Happy Friday to you all!
This last week was a big fight for me. So many days I struggled, I could hear myself give excuses and not want to go to the gym; and when I was there I could hear myself wanting to quit after the 20 min mark. It is a constant battle of wills right now as I hear my inner asshole dialogue saying "Give up", "You're not worth it", "You're going to fail anyway why try", "Listen to you're body it hurts and is sore if you stop this you will feel better".
Funny though as I have given up before and it sucks, it makes things worse and it puts me farther behind from my goal. I have fought everyday to push through this and the more I do the more I will push out that voice that says I will quit. I am literally convincing myself everyday that I am worth it and that I can succeed, that the pain my body feels is a good pain and that the pain will go away as I get healthier. Every day I am making this choice to fight for my life, I have been sitting on the bench for most of my life, watching the game and now its half time and I want to play.
When you have lived 85% of your life being overweight you come to have a lot of self doubt and apprehension of ability to succeed in weight loss. So many times as you gain weight you are teased, made fun of and what not growing up,; then as you transition into an adult you find that things you could do before have disappeared because you dove in to schooling or career or relationships and made other parts of your life a priority. Once you are an adult in the middle of your life you look back and realize where you truly are, you recognize that you have chose other avenues in life that lead you to not taking care of yourself,. You have chosen poorly in your health and all you truly know is bad habits; binge eating, emotional eating, giving up on trying to exercise and be healthy. You have no track record of success, and without that record you are broken. This has been much of my life, I chose other people, work, food, everything I could over myself and my health. I did this to myself again, I had once temporarily fixed my outside without fully fixing the inside of me and it lead me back to this point.
I had lost the weight in 2004 and was down to 200 pounds, I was doing fantastic, living in the middle of nowhere and focusing on myself. Then I was back in the real world and immersed myself into my work and never learned the work life balance.
I can truly say that this is my priority now; I won't let anything take away from this balance. I used to believe it was just a matter of having time for work and my wife but I realize it is more than that. I have to make time for me and focusing on me and doing it all within the day. Going to the gym with Tabitha has been great for many reasons, we can spend time doing an activity together yet focus on our individual health together. We are our biggest supporters of each other and I feel it is making us stronger as a couple. We share the wanting of having a long healthy life together and being more active in our lives. We have talked about one day golfing together and joining a fun league ball team; although I think she is more interested in me playing and her watching and socializing so it may just be me that joins but she will come out to enjoy the activity.
For now though I fight myself every step of the way. I hear the asshole voice in my head and I fight to ignore him, to push him aside and to keep carrying on. It is not easy but everyday the voice gets a little quieter. One day I will silence him once and for all. Everyday that I go and work out, that I log my food and exercise I gain momentum in succeeding. I get strength from knowing I am doing it, that I am persevering where I used to fail. In the last few years I would last maybe 30 days and although right now I am only a couple weeks into my gym routine I am over 40 days of conscious food logging and healthy food choice making, I am over 40 days of deliberately getting exercise in some form or another be it walking around the shop at work or apartment walking. I have truly made this the year of Scott Mac and I am proud of how I am continuing still 7 weeks later; the best and worst thing about that is the only person that can take that away from me is me.
Everyone's journey in life can be a bit bumpy but we all have to fight our way forward in order to truly enjoy the journey, if we don't we are stuck in the middle or forced to turn back and go through the same hills, valleys and ruts that got us to the point we are in now, so fight every step of your journey because you are worth it!
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