I struggle.
I struggle with my confidence believing I am worth the effort,
I struggle with facing my self doubt,
I struggle with finding my place,
Everyday I struggle.
I fight myself everyday to do everything and anything.
I put on a brave face and fake it for all to see,
But in the end I struggle.
- a poem by Scott Macfadyen
This poem has been the epitome of who I am. It represents me and my daily life and what seems like the last 4 weeks for me and this journey. It is depressing, it is frustrating, it is disappoining, it is what I am going through. I am human and I will somehow come through this; I may not know how but I will. I found myself contemplating giving up on this weightloss journey. I found myself losing my inspiration and drive. I hate feeling like this.
I will keep fighting through this but something needs to change; I need something that will spark me and re-ignite that fire inside me. My faith, strength and patience are being tested and I feel like I am at a crossroads and trying to find the right path to take. My emotions are controlling me and I can't seem to stop it. I feel down or upset and I eat junk because of it, the whole time I am telling myself it is wrong, that I am only eating it because I am upset. I try to reason with myself to understand I am doing it because I am upset, and that eating the chocolate bar will only add to me being upset later on. I try to reason that if I don't eat it then perhaps I will have better results. Then in a moment of clarity, i give my reasoning side the bird and a big F You and go ahead and eat the chocolate bar. the battle lost yet again. I unacceptably feel comfort in failure.
Am I afraid of success? Why do I do this to myself? Why do I accept misery in this struggle? How can I quiet the devil inside me that keeps convincing me to choose poorly? How can I stay on track and lessen the temptations and fallout of these poor choices?
How can I have a better week and be on a better path?
No comments:
Post a Comment