Weigh In Wednesday March 30th

Happy Hump Day to all!

So here we are another week down still truckin' along.
Being that it was Easter weekend last week I feel it is important to share how I choose to overcome the temptations that were faced.

First of all there were 11 of us and we decided to do a BBQ instead of the traditional big roasts which is fine with most of us as it is more about spending time with family anyways and not about what we ate.
I generally tried to stay away from anything potato and breads and minimized any wobbly pops I may have had (just one). My focus has been on making smart choices, there will always be temptations but choosing better healthier options is my goal.   In the end I had 2 chicken breasts, 4 nugget potatoes, some caesar salad (picked out most of croutons) and a home made samosa.

I also spent nearly 2 hours at the gym burning off any future potential bad choice prior to dinner!

Despite going to the gym on Saturday I did not hit my steps, ended the day 800 short, and Friday I did not go to the gym but rather walked along the beach enjoy the beautiful sunny day and ended up about 1000 steps short that day too, but rest assured I did put the effort in on a daily basis.

SW  447

LW  426

TW 426

+/ -    0

LTD  -21

Monday Morning Recap March 21st to 27th

Happy day to you all!

This last week was better for sure! 

After taking the previous weekend off I tried to refocus on me and re-dedicate myself to what I need to do. This will always be an ongoing process of figuring what works and what doesn't, figuring out what I need to do to get my head on right and move forward. 

I have been working with myself on making sure no matter what day I am having that I must still hit my step goal; no matter how shitty of a day I may have. Sure, I may not always want to go to the gym but sitting on the couch got me to where I am and I have to make a true commitment to change if I want to see the results down the line.

When I don't get the results I am hoping for that week I will just re-focus on the gym and use that as my outlet. If I am stressed: gym. If I am wanting me time: gym. If I am upset or angry: gym. My answer must almost always be the gym now because what my habits have been during these moments of weakness have not been working so I need to change this and that has been my focus this last week.

I am working at hitting all green everyday, sure I may not have hit all green everyday but that is my goal. (This is a fitbit thing in my opinion). I am still trying to get used to daily logging of my food, exercise, mood and my internal dialogue/thoughts but it will come around. I need to change it all, I have to change it all if I want to survive through this. I say survive as I feel this truly is a fight for my life.

Friday's rants, Rambles and Raves: Lesson # 7: Re-Train the Brain

Insane in the membrane, 

INSANE IN THE BRAIN, 

Insane in the membrane, 

GOING INSANE GOT NO BRAIN!

                            

                           - Cypress Hill 

This is what the journey is doing to me when I struggle during this journey. 

I have spent a majority of my life being told and or believing I am not worth anything. I have let others control me and tell me what to do and how to do it then tell me I have not done it right. I have let others beat me down and break my spirit even after I had built myself up and regained some of my confidence. I have told myself that I have moved on in my life and that the evil spewed no longer controls me but deep down it seems that the words still linger and when I start to see success then hit a slight hiccup the questioning of my own self worth has come out. 

We need to re-train our brain and its not easy. I continue to question every self doubt and fear I have; sometimes the fear and doubt is just a whisper in my head and other times it is a voice screaming loud and clear that I am a failure. 

To combat these thoughts and doubts I will begin to do a personal journal through out my day; before I work out, after my work out, after meals and  when I have my doubts. I will log what my internal dialogue is saying and question whether what is being said internally is valid or not. I know I have mentioned this before but I believe writing down what is said, and working through the process on paper will be more effective. the reason I believe it will be more effective is like writing down a note to yourself, if you tell yourself to phone Jim at 2pm and not write it down you will forget, however when you write down on a post it to phone Jim at 2pm  you will remember even if you don't look at the note again.

In this journal I will:

1 - Log my feelings prior to going to the gym

2 - Log my feelings after going to the gym

3 - Record my internal monologue after eating

4 - Record any self doubting moments and deduct what is truth and what is not behind those statements.

By doing this I will have something tangible and be able to see and review the dialogue, then be able to disprove, then when the same type of negativity comes up I can review it and disprove it. 

By re-training my brain I will set my self up for success long term and be better able to handle my potholes and speed bumps on this journey.  So many little adjustments can make such a big impact, it is just figuring out how to fine tune it all and where the adjustments need to be made.

Hard work and dedication is what it takes and I have to give my all to this and not do it part way.

Wednesday Weigh-In March 23, 2016

I have just been so tired and frustrated with everything going on.

I know that nothing ever comes right away but I want to see some results now! Three months almost 4 have gone by and I expect so much more from myself and when I am not on par with where I should be I get frustrated.  It makes me mad to  not see the results I want and hate myself for letting my life get this way again. I feel like I have just given up on myself, I have been eating poorly, not been going to the gym on quite a few days and just been beating myself up for wasting my own time. 

I know that results will come in time it is just frustrating as F--- and I truly hope others will someday read this and know that this struggle is something that most obese people face. The self doubt and self loathing are real and we sabotage ourselves because it is all we know how to do. We never believe in ourselves or the process enough to fully commit to the life change, at least not at first; as I recognize this issue I am trying to gain strength to persevere and push forward. Please know that nothing in life, especially this weightloss journey, comes easy; there is pain, anger, resentment, hate, and fear that builds up but I know there is also love, forgiveness, acceptance and focus if I can just push through it. 

This week coming up I plan to double my efforts; I am hoping to start to prep my dinners for the week and just try to control my situation more instead of having it control me, I will also try to increase my time on weights at the gym as building muscle will increase the rate my body burns through fat. 

I want to lose 4 to 5 pounds per week, not this 1 pound a week shit. this is very aggressive I know but I have a lot to lose and in the beginning I know I have the weight to do it with out being unhealthy. I also want some quiet time just for myself, I feel like I am being pulled in all directions and everywhere I turn I bump into a family member, a cat or a work thing, I need time and space to be me and I need to figure out how I can do that. I have always been a person who likes calm and quiet, who dislikes clutter and who like having personal space be it me and Tabitha or just me and I currently don't have it. the good thing though is this is the year of Scott Mac and I am spending this year getting out of my comfort zone and trying new things, I just need my own sanctuary though.

Anyways enough of this beating myself up and whining crap (I just needed to vent).

Here are my numbers for the last week:

SW 447

LW 427

TW 426

+/-  -1

LTD -21

Monday Morning Recap March 14th to 20th

I struggle.

I struggle with my confidence believing I am worth the effort,

I struggle with facing my self doubt,

I struggle with finding my place,

Everyday I struggle.

I fight myself everyday to do everything and anything. 

I put on a brave face and fake it for all to see,

But in the end I struggle.

                            - a poem by Scott Macfadyen

This poem has been the epitome of who I am. It represents me and my daily life and what seems like the last 4 weeks for me and this journey. It is depressing, it is frustrating, it is disappoining, it is what I am going through. I am human and I will somehow come through this; I may not know how but I will. I found myself contemplating giving up on this weightloss journey. I found myself losing my inspiration and drive. I hate feeling like this. 

I will keep fighting through this but something needs to change; I need something that will spark me and re-ignite that fire inside me. My faith, strength and patience are being tested and I feel like I am at a crossroads and trying to find the right path to take. My emotions are controlling me and I can't seem to stop it. I feel down or upset and I eat junk because of it, the whole time I am telling myself it is wrong, that I am only eating it because I am upset. I try to reason with myself to understand I am doing it because I am upset, and that eating the chocolate bar will only add to me being upset later on. I try to reason that if I don't eat it then perhaps I will have better results. Then in a moment of clarity, i give my reasoning side the bird and a big F You and go ahead and eat the chocolate bar. the battle lost yet again. I unacceptably feel comfort in failure.

Am I afraid of success? Why do I do this to myself? Why do I accept misery in this struggle? How can I quiet the devil inside me that keeps convincing me to choose poorly? How can I stay on track and lessen the temptations and fallout of these poor choices?

How can I have a better week and be on a better path?

Friday's Rants Rambles and Raves: One year gone and still missing you...

I thought I would re-post this post from March 2015 as March 13th of this year marked the one year anniversary since out little buddy passed on. Though this last year we have moved on we still miss and love him dearly. I have also added some new pictures of him and how cute and adorable he was.

Good Sunday to you all..

This week I had a topic again all picked out; I even told you last week on what it was and what I was going to do; but life throws a curve ball every once in a while.

Last Monday we noticed that one of our two cats was not doing well; for a quick background story Tigger ( the cuddliest cat ever!!!) has been in end stage kidney failure for the last 6 years. He was actually given 1 year to live when first diagnosed; at which time we did all we could for him to the point of giving him some drugs that were at that point experimental. His health plateaued, never got better but little by little got worse. In the last year his weight started to drop, and in the last 4 months his weight dropped by 50%! We noticed he was changing dramatically last monday so we took him to the vet on Tuesday, we weighed out the options and the vet gave him some stuff to help him hydrate hoping that he would come out of the crash he was in, he got worse. he stopped eating and drinking and could barely stand on his own 2 days later, so on Friday at 3:30pm we said our goodbyes, surrounded him with all the love and tears as he slipped away to kitty heaven. The tears have slowed but still come out at certain moments during the days.. its never easy to say goodbye to a loved one of any species.

So I found myself along with Tabitha, using food as a stress relief all week. We both knew it too. For myself, it is about learning and acknowledging the moments of weakness and how I deal with stress, combined with my constant need to be the shoulder to cry on, the rock of support, the pillar of the walls to protect and comfort Tabitha. I put this on myself as I know I am one of those people who protect care for others that I love. I give all of myself before others, and I don't want to change this part of me, just how I do it is what I need to change.

I would give anything to stop any harm that comes to Tabitha, she is everything to me and I feel the pain that she has as well as my own grief over such a loving cat Tigger was. I encouraged and enabled bad eating habits during this week. I truly feel guilty for that; the week started off with a good walk after last weeks post, thinking that we should go for a walk every night this week after we get home and before dinner.. then our world began to crash. Tigger was Tabitha's baby, and I swear Tigger thought he was a human baby! You had to meet him to understand! He loved to cuddle and sitting on your chest as close to your face as possible just to nuzzle you. He had no issues showing his affection for Tabitha and to a lesser extent of myself.

I know it is one step to recognize the areas I need to work on and know that it is another to act upon those weaknesses. I figure this is now the time to start re-training my brain, especially as I/we go through this grieving process. They say losing a loved one is one of the most stressful times in someones life, so why not use this time in our lives as a positive to evoke change?

I truly believe that we all must go through some darkness in our lives in order to see the light. I will take this sad moment and turn it to a positive; I will use death to encourage life, and dedicate it to Tigger so that someday when life's tragedies come my way again, I will have the experience of grief with an alternate outlook of my own health and working through the pain without turning to food.

In life it s not about what life throws at us it is about how we deal with it. The way I dealt with it obviously hasn't been working so I need to change.

We miss you very much Tigger!

Wednesday Weigh-in: March 16

Weigh-In  for Wednesday March 16th!

So this last week despite my lack of motivation I have pushed through and continued to go to the gym everyday and even changed up my routine to be more consistent with my weight training. I eneded up going in earlier to the gym, usually around 4:20 - 4:30am I am at the gym starting my routine opposed to 5-5:15am and I have been starting off with weights as per suggestion of Obi-wan Kelsey and finishing off with between 30 mins to 1 hour on the tread mill; and while my motivation was lacking most days to even go I have felt really good afterwards. I am feeling strong in my arms leg and back. I feel some confidence sneaking in to me and I am intent to keep feeding that confidence when at the gym. I am still not comfortable to do weights around other people for fear of them staring and judging but I know as I continue to do this and feel good about myself that will change in time. 

Kelsey has been a superstar at working to help me with my strength, health and confidence and I can not thank her enough for all she has done so far and look forward to having her help me more in the future.

I had one bad day food wise this week, though I was still under my calorie goal thanks to killing it at the gym. I am going to try and work on my triggers for making bad choices and not allow the temptation to creep in; I have been so good for so long but since that last hiccup I have been tripping up once a week, this needs to stop!

I am working at reminding myself every day of why I am on this journey and the hard work I need to put in to get to where I need to be, I just really need to believe in myself more. While it is great to hear people say "You Got This" or " Great job Keep it up!" I don't always believe it. I have doubted myself a lot over the last 10 years and i need to clear my doubts and rebuild myself and confidence within. I have made mistakes in my life, as we all have, but I have put myself down over it and never really justified whether those mistakes were truly something that has defined me as a person. I have felt guilt over these things in varying degrees and severity and these mistakes have made me feel not worth my true value. I am the only person who can truly clear this up and now is the time to focus on me. I know I have been doing this for the last little while but mainly focusing on the physical and I now need to work on the mental as well.

SW 447

LW 428

TW 427

+/-   -1

LTD 20

Monday Morning Recap for March 7th to 13th

It is no secret, I have really struggles this last week or so with motivation, with my weight, with everything. I have been trying to fight my way through it but it has not been easy.

I have found that the little things are building up and i am just not happy with any of it; as i try to take a look at the bigger picture I know that the little things are not the root of the issue, that frustrations life and all that comes with it are more of the root cause. 

As usual I have let this stress rule me and to comfort me i make bad food choices, a chocolate bar or two here, some chips, even sneaking in some Burger King on my drive home. Then I feel mad at myself for allowing myself to make such poor decisions, causing anxiety and depression, thus just wanting to sleep. So because of that I hit snooze a dozen times thinking of excuses as to why i should not go to the gym. 

It is frustrating too when you don't see the results of the work you have put in on a scale where you feel it should be. Sure I am down almost 20 pounds since January 1st but I feel I should be down more. The hiccup from the other week where I had gained water weight then I go and spend another week right back to where I was i feel like it was 2 weeks wasted since they cancelled each other out. Maybe I have watched too much biggest loser and expect to see a 7, 8 or even a double digit loss.  Maybe that is over ambitious but it is how I feel on where I should be. 

I guess I am just impatient wanting to see the results of where I am headed now as opposed to waiting and staying the course. Maybe I will take some measurements of my arms, chest, waist etc and use that as a progress guide as by looking in the mirror just doesn't seem to help. Having over 200 pounds to lose is a long way to go and it is difficult to visually see the changes especially if it is not showing up on the scale like I want. I have felt like my biceps are getting bigger but I have no proof until I measure. 

If I was to do this journey over again, though I hope I never will have to start again where I started this time, I would definitely make a list of my measurements and do a comparison every month. I need something tangible and something I can see especially when I am not seeing it on the scale.

I will keep fighting myself to get to the gym and make better meal choices, nothing comes over night and I understand that. I am real and struggle like so many others do as well. I use this blog to vent my fears and frustrations as well as to celebrate my triumphs when they do arrive. To me, by keeping this real and honest I hope that one day if not already, someone will be inspired by the familiarity of my story and find motivation knowing that they are not alone in this struggle and that if I can do it so can they. I firmly believe that as a person we have 2 choices in how we conduct our life, A: we can follow the light that leads our way, or B: be the light to lead the way for others. for me I have followed my whole life; now I want to be that light for those with the same struggle I face. 

Friday's Rants, Rambles and Raves: Shoes

Good Friday to you!

I cant stress how important shoes on when your going through a weightloss journey. I had to recently replace my shoes as I had noticed that I was starting to get blisters  in the pads of my feet and I also noticed the fatigue and pain in my feet that was starting to commence. 

Being over 200 pounds over weight I chalked the aches and pains to being unfit and my size and weight. Now of course there is some truth to this however when I looked in my shoe i noticed a hole as wide as my foot that had worked its way through the insole of the shoe and to the hard rubber of the bottom of the shoe in the same spot my blisters where appearing. 

I heard my feet telling me weeks before that something wasn't right and I chose to ignore it, well that won't happen again

Also this week I went a bit crazy in a good way, I had an appointment with Obi-wan Kelsey on Saturday but before I met with her i did 50 mins on the tread mill to get my steps in. During this time I noticed a big solid dude come in and hit the weights, I did not think of it too much and went on did my business on the tread mill. Afterwards I had 15 mins to relax before meeting with Kelsey so I went outside to my car and sat there and relaxed and fooled around with my phone. 

When it was time to head back in I went to the front desk to wait for Kelsey and the big guy was there. He asked me my weight straight out; I was a bit thrown off but obliged, which is not something i normally do. Anyways, I got to talking to him and he wanted to give me encouragement, says he used to be with the WWE and was up over 500 lbs when the boys in the locker room finally suggested that he lose some weight. He is now at 280 pounds (and built like a brick shit house!) and he just wanted to tell me to keep going and don't quit. FYI he is now a roadie for Megadeth, my guess is he is the body guard type but who knows. He was a very nice guy and I hope he would be in my side if i was walking into a dark alley as he can be one scary dude to come across especially if he didn't like you!

It is just funny to me that before when I was at Penticton Racquet and Fitness Club I felt like an outsider and not welcome there despite having a 3 month membership at the time, but now at Pure Gym and Juicery, I feel welcomed and accepted and it is a great feeling to be encouraged like that by so many different people. it really makes me believe I have made the right choice.