No Resolutions .. Determinations is the word

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 It is just after Christmas 2015 and I sit here trying to figure out the things to say about where I am in my life.
On December 22nd 2015 I was diagnosed with Severe Sleep Apnea... a dangerous level of Apnea ( Apnea meaning "stopping of breath" ). i was told that an average person has less than 14 incidents or less an hour when sleeping... I was diagnosed with 56.7 per hour.. or basically once per minute. With this diagnosis I was placed on a trial CPAP machine and as it has only been 6 days I do feel better. I now wake up without headaches (a result of lack of oxygen when sleeping) and I have virtually stopped snoring ( essentially my airway closed completely when i was sleeping thus my snorting and snoring when sleeping was me strugggling to get air... SCARY SHIT!!) this was in my opinion brough on because of my weight although you dont have to be overweight to have Sleep Apnea.

To those of you who have never struggled with weight issues it is hard for me to bring into words as this struggle is all I have ever known. As the year comes to a close I think of where I was this year (and every year for that matter) and where I am headed; this is where New Year's Resolutions come in to play, but I want it to be more than that. I have always struggled privately with depression and feeling not good enough, struggled with my weight and feeling that i can not be accepted by the public. I struggle with self-image and putting up a good front for others to see. I constantly and privately question my own worth to myself, to my family, to my friends and to my general existence.
I always have such grand plans to change and succeed yet the first set back I cave in and tell myself that I am a failure and that is all i will ever be. I have to stop and try to convince myself it is not true constantly. Its all a vicious circle as this depression and self doubt causes me to use food as a comfort tool which thus in turn continues the cycle.

So what do I do? How do i change?  This is where my struggle really begins.

My plans now are to actively realize that what I have been doing to combat this depression and circle of life that I am in is not effective. That it is not conducive to what I want and who i know I can be. That continuing on this course I will never get to where I am.
I am wanting to change the course I had set in my life; I want to change how I go about life and doing the things I usually do. This means I have to put myself first, do things for me. I know this may cause waves in my life and being the "Pleaser" personality I am it will be hard, I need to "please" me first though.
I have to learn to accept that I will fail and it will be okay, This just means when I do fail that I will have another opportunity to succeed, that I will have a chance to learn and grow.

My Goals for 2016 - (and if i don't reach them all its okay there is always another time when I can)

1. Polar Bear Swim - January 1st is ideal time for this.
2. Start a regular published V-log about my weight-loss struggle - ( I believe that my story can inspire others and help me see myself and who i am and how my negative thinking affects me. by recognizing this I hope to change this.)
3. Not cave in  when it comes to meal choices - (there are 4 adults in my house and I usually eat whatever the consensus is even when i know it is not healthy.)
4. Be more an active participant in my life - I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines
5. Get regular exercise. ( I would like to join Pure Gym this year when i have some spare cash - Pure is essentially open 24/7)
6. Celebrate my victories - ( i am humble with my current victories as I am knowing/feeling there is a failure coming soon) 
7. Be a better husband to my wife. ( I let my stress and depression come out in a negative way and let it creep out with sarcasm and passive aggressiveness)
8. Do more things that I would usually pass on from being insecure and afraid. 

So this is my thoughts for the year ahead. These are not resolutions to me, instead that are life long goals in changing who I was to whom I can be. This old way hasn't been working for me in my life and it needs to change.

I have more changes I want to make in my life but these are a few small ones that will get the direction changed to where i need it to be.

I am going to take this life of mine and grab control of it. I am going to live it from the drivers side not the passenger's seat. The only thing holding me back is me and i am done with that version of Scott. I accept my fear and welcome it . I will learn from my failures. I will grow with each step. I will fail but I will also succeed. I can do this. I will do this. If I am not afraid I am not trying. 

It is a struggle..

Good morning peeps!

I feel guilty for not being around since April and it is now late September. I have found it difficult to stay up on the writing with life being so hectic and too much complacency stepping in.
When you have such a large amount to lose it can feel quite overwhelming; this fear that hits me when I think about the weight i need to lose is a fear of failure, a fear of never being able to accomplish this task, that i may succeed and then eventually i will fail again. Fear can freeze you up and make you stand still in your tracks, making accomplishments of any sort a near impossible task when the grip is firm, and this grip has been on me numerous times,
 Fear also can be a motivator, but you have to honestly face that fear, to look at it dead in the eye and say i will not let it control me, i will not let it dictate my life and I will not disappear into its darkness. This is where I feel like I am entering into. I know it is not overnight and it begins with small steps in order to reach big steps. I am trying to not look at the big picture of things and just focus on one day/week at a time. I bought a scale which could weigh my weight as our old scale did not reach that number. I had an idea of where my weight was but not an accurate number, so i was just guessing, and I found that it was hindering me really celebrating any success I had. I also set up a revised goal list, small goals that build up, with rewards of varying qualities at each point (none of the rewards are food based) and building up to a grand "ME" reward. I tried to build it as each one is an assist in raising my confidence. I had thought about joining a Gym right at the beginning but decided against it as I have done that before and at the time I felt like I wasn't worthy enough to join. Ironic isn't it? the person who should be there most is thinking he is not worthy? I just feel too self conscious of myself and think everyone is staring at me. So i put this on the list a little ways down.. I want to do this first part on my own without the gym in order to prove to myself I am mentally ready to join. That I do deserve to be there and that my hard work to get to that point will translate a renewed drive to keep it off. I feel so many people, my self included, join the gym and go a few times and then stop going meanwhile they have already paid for 1 month 3 months, 6 months or longer! Maybe it is the cheap Scotsman in me but i don't want to waste the money if I am not fully committed to it. My goal is at 100 lbs lost I will join, it's a big number but my  thinking is that i need to learn to do it on my own because there may not always be a gym, it for me starts with being mentally in the right place. I need to have my daily habits and mentality focused on the little things such as meal planning, purchasing, consistency, food logging and general accountability to myself. When I can make these consistent changes and get the results then I can achieve so much more when I get that gym membership. The thing is, life gets in the way of doing these other things so I have to reorganize my life to include these things in order to get the results. If i just go all in at once i know there will be chaos and i will drop what is causing the chaos and that would be the gym. However if i just change my simple daily habits slowly but consistently and include the increased daily exercise then when I reach the 100 lbs lost the transition to going to the gym to continue the daily exercise should be relatively flawless.
Well that is that plan anyways.
I have also started to make a weekly Vlog, though I don't have a name for it yet and have yet to publish anything officially. I got some inspiration form some other weightloss Vloggers out there. There are many great stories but i have really appreciated 2 in particular, Lose it like Lauren whom I have watched most of her videos and can associate a lot of the stresses and frustration she has gone through, also i have enjoyed watching Kimberly Uhles whom is honest with her struggle as well. please check them both out and give their channel some support as they journey to their goals.
I know that in every journey there is going to be parts where we walk, where we jog and where we run to the finish line, right now I am just stretching before the proverbial walk, and as with any sport you should always stretch first. Well i didn't, so I am trying to now before I continue on, and as with any journey as we do walk the path (again I am not at the running point) I know there will be stumbles along the way; so i am picking myself up and doing my stretches before continuing.

A special shout out to Lisa R. whom has taken the time and patience to give me some personal trainer advice and has been encouraging me and motivating me to make the changes.  As always I can never say enough about my beautiful and amazing wife Tabitha for always being my rock when i do crumble. Without the right support it is tough to achieve one's goals.

Sorry I have been away from posting the last few weeks, life gets crazy sometimes.

The last few weeks I have been feeling the stress and recognize that I have been stress eating.. alot.  I see this vicious cycle and am recognizing the triggers but I have an issue trying to stop, trying to find an alternate way to handle things.
I hate the struggle, I hate my physical self and I hate the distance I have to go to be at a healthy point.  Where I am in my life, I am not satisfied; I expect more from myself and when I let myself down I hold it against myself. A person can have a supportive family and friends but if that person doesn't start the change within, until that person "gets it", it is a losing fight; thats where I am at. I know it but I just don't get it yet... I need to make that transition but I am just not there yet.
It is funny, the other week when grocery shopping the cashier lady said " I love how you are always buying such healthy items!", and its true we do, very rarely do I buy crap food, if it is not in our house we can't eat it is my belief. Yet, despite this i feel like i have gained weight, I feel that it is pointless to try (I feel this way sometimes but not always), it truly is a struggle. I know I am not alone in this struggle. It just takes time to train my brain, I just wish it would get a move on it faster as I am done with it.

Anyways... that is a glimpse into what is going on with mw at the moment.

Oh what a week it was..

Good morning my friends!

It was a pretty good week this week for exercise.
Last weekend my brother came to town for a visit and on Sunday, after my last post with you all; he and I went golfing at Sumac Ridge Golf Course. It was a 9 hole par 3 course and to be honest it totally kicked my ass.

We should have been more conscientious when the lady behind the counter suggested a golf cart for us to rent; but we thought she was just trying to up sell us as well as we thought it must only be for the older folks that live in the Okanagan, it's a par 3 after all! We passed on the idea and said " we could use the exercise, after all we had been to plenty of par 3 courses in the Lower Mainland of BC how bad could 9 holes be?

Well, you know it is going to be one of those days when you haven't even reached the first tee box and you have lost a ball... I purchased 6 golf balls for the day  (6 or $5.00) and dropped one and it went down the winding walkway to the parking lot, it was a lost cause trying to go an catch it so I carried on.

I tee off and the first ball goes in the pond.. oh great, that must be my mulligan, so I tried again... SPLOOSH .. SH*T! .. Third ball in the faraway.. and we are off to the races. That bad spot is behind us.

Second hole.. Splash .. 2nd mulligan taken.. Sploosh.. D^MN IT! 2 holes down and down to 1 ball. Such a long day coming up...

Off to the 3rd hole.. (the picture on the right) .. no water.. YAY!

Then the 4th hole...

Hard to tell from the above picture but you are only seeing part of the 100 foot drop between the Tee box where I took this picture and the green way up at the top of the picture. Let's just say I ended up getting some golf balls from my brother. I decided just to take a drop from near the hole, i wasn't going to bother re-hitting.

This is the walk way BRIDGE to get to the green on 4.

Such a long day coming... 

Then we start on the "back 9" the holes hidden from view. 

OH MY GOD!

We keep hitting down hill but the greens are onto of hills at the bottom of hills. .. what kind of cruel torture is this? Three holes in a row go down hill only means the last 2 go up... and up big.. why oh why did we not get a cart? 

You know when a hole has a switchback on the cart path way it is pretty steep, plus did you notice the drop off if you bounce off the green??? What the Hell?!!!!

Now while all this self induced torture was great exercise, it was a quiet day so we took our time to enjoy the stunning views of Lake Okanagan. So much beauty here in The Okanagan, shhhhhh don't tell anyone, I want it all to my self now before the summer crowd comes and BC's wine country explodes!

Above is one of my buddies on the course, Mr Marmot, laughing at me. Oh well all in fun.

I  won't bother with the score of the game, Stuart one, I lost, I am sore, winded and drenched in sweat. Ah good workout.. That night I went to the hockey game with my brother in law.. GO VEES GO.. and by the end of the day I had hit my goal target of over 10,000 steps. YAY!!! it was the first time since the cruise I hit my daily goal, 

I have been close several times but not hit it since! i was so proud! During the work week I don't get as much excesses as I would like but that will change I am sure as it gets lighter out later in the evening. 

On Saturday I finally got around to taking the car in to get my winter tires off and the oil changed; so I drop the car off at 9:15am and instead of getting a shuttle back to the house I decide to walk home, I need my excercise and it was a beautiful day. 

Spring is so nice here in Penticton, it is usually dry, and cool enough to only need a sweater, so away I walked. 

At the end of the day I hit my steps again! Twice in 1 week! I am so happy, I feel like progress is being made and I wasn't that sore when I finished my walk (though my knee was giving out by the end of the day I did feel good!).

When you have so much to lose, in regard to weight, it can be such a daunting task; so I hold on the fact that it is these little victories that can keep me on track. I am learning to let go of the bigger picture in a sense to focus on the smaller picture. In doing so eventually the picture will zoom out again and I will see the changes I am making and the victories I have accomplished. In this end i will see myself as who I want to be; a healthier, more focused and more active me.

One day in the not too distant future I will see my own physical changes; i don't mean the one more notch in on the belt or slightly looser clothing, I mean the shirt and pants that are too big. The wardrobe that has to be given up in place for smaller one. I look forward to the day of being able to sit down with my legs together not having to feel my stomach force them apart or feel my stomachs weight push down on my thighs to the point of losing feeling when I sit in one position for too long. Yes, this is some of what I go through as an obese man. I don't wish this on anyone, and I don't want any of you to think it is acceptable to neglect yourself to the point you are depressed and hateful of yourself like I have felt. These little moments of victory give me hope and renew my desire to get healthy again. They inspire me to dream not of the "What if..." but rather the "When I.." 

It is those moment that will help this struggle I have inside me, I have no one to blame but myself for getting here, and at the same time i have only myself to give credit to in getting out of this dark place. While I do have an amazing wife who supports me in this journey, only I can walk these steps, only I can see where the finish line is and the obstacles infant of it, only I know my limits, only I can find this journey to me..

May this week be full of wonderful things to all of you.

On a side note I would like to note the passing of Carl Tymm just a short time ago. He was a fellow of the Craft and Shriner like me (he was last year's President of the Penticton Shrine Club), he had a brief fight with Cancer and will be missed. While I have not been a shriner for even a year as of yet and had only met Carl a handful of times I recognized his spirit and dedication to what Shriners do for kids. he was the embodiment of what a Shriner is and does. I feel that we Shriners who knew him are better off because of it as he inspires making a difference in helping kids.

A Life with Respect not Regret

Good morning!

I was going to talk about the "Dark Ages" of my life that I feel have driven me back to food thus my weight issues coming back but I have decided not to.

It is not that I don't want to share it with you it is more that I don't want to give it life again.  It is all in my past and I must learn to accept my past and know that there is nothing I can do about it. It happened, I can't change the past, and to let it have air is to let it win. 

For those whom never have read my old blog I will give you a brief synopsis and then not mention it again (or atlas try not to) after this post.

I was just coming out of a break up and living in a remote part of BC; I met a manipulative abusive woman ("Bonnie S" ) from Kelowna (on one of my visits) who made me question everything about who I am and all my life's choices due to the fact that I was lonely and wanted to be in a relationship again. She saw my weakness and over the next year convinced me I was someone I am not and tried to control and ruin me much like she had done to her own 3 children "Braydon, Boedy and Brighton". 

I escaped her evil after she literally threatened to "cut off my head and bury me in a shallow pit"; (all because I drove her "friend" home from the bar (of which she had invited out and said I would giver her a ride afterwards) at this point I was done, I was scared and I had alienated my family, so I walked with the help of an officer friend, Constable W. 

I left all my belongings behind (including my Ford Explorer) and hopped on a bus to take me far away never to see or hear from her again. THANK CHRIST!

It was my choice to let her into my life and my choice to believe what she said. I own that. I also own that I control my own destiny and to let her words echo in my head now is the last thing I want. I am over it. I am taking back my life and I will not let that @#$% have any piece of me by making me  relive the past and miserable again. The controlling is stopped.

I don't want to relive the pain by rehashing it on here. To do that is to give someone else the power to control my life. F#*& that! Excuse my language but I am mad that I let myself be controlled and I am mad that I did not take control of my own life sooner. 

My life should not be about thinking of my own regrets. It is about living respected and dying regretted. I will do just that, by being the best person I can be; this is my journey in achieving that. It is a struggle and a learning curve for sure however it is my road that only I can navigate.

None of us can change the past and all of us have to accept that. It is not easy, but we have to let this "stuff" that holds us back from being true to ourselves go. It starts with forgiveness. Not an easy thing to do by any stretch of the imagination especially when there is so much to forgive. 

I forgive myself for letting my own self be controlled. I find it hard to forgive that woman for her actions and don't know if I ever can; however I forgive her for her actions to the extent that if she did not treat me the way she did and things went they way they did I may never have met Tabitha.  Now the hate I have, yes I said hate, has taken time and has been turning into feeling sorry for what she is and will be come. I know she will end up alone and unloved even by her own children. It is truly sad to know that such a despicable human has written the story of their own life with lies deceit. These lies will eventually close the door on a family dynamic that lacks trust, love and compassion. Gone will be the warmth of family and friendship and cold will be the life that surrounds her much like it does in her own heart. 

I love my life and I accept it for what it is.. experience in this thing we call life. Without these experience, no matter how painful, it would make us different people. Like I said I would never have met Tabitha and her amazing family. My experiences have given me strength in knowing that despite some major bumps I have come out on top. These experiences don't necessarily define me but they make up apart of who I am, it is the choices on how I react to the experiences that defines me. 

Due to my experiences i have learned:

• There isn't always good in everyone
• There isn't always bad in everyone
• Our path isn't set for us and who knows where each path will lead
• For every Dark moment in our lives there is a brighter moment just ahead
• Learning and letting go makes us stronger
• My family is strong and amazing
• Not to be afraid to face my past and question its reality

That last point is very important. I strongly recommend you all to find one moment in your past that bothers you and ask yourself "Does that moment define who I am?" - "Is this memory something that I want to hold on to as a positive in my life?" 

If you can't say yes to those two questions then ask yourself "Do I need to keep this crap in my life then?"

Think about it; then think about a lot of your memories that you feel hold you down and apply the same questions. You will be surprised at how you feel afterwards! (Be sure to physically write these incidents down and the answer to the questions you ask yourself about these events so that you have something to gauge your progress.) When you write this process down your mind is more convinced on its reality and in return you will feel the stress and pressure ease from the burden of being carried throughout your life. In turn you will forgive yourself for carrying them for so long.

Love you all!

Be good to each other and have a blessed week!

Life and Death.. and how I deal with it.

Good Sunday to you all..

This week I had a topic again all picked out; I even told you last week on what it was and what I was going to do; but life throws a curve ball every once in a while.

Last Monday we noticed that one of our two cats was not doing well; for a quick background story Tigger ( the cuddliest cat ever!!!) has been in end stage kidney failure for the last 6 years. He was actually given 1 year to live when first diagnosed; at which time we did all we could for him to the point of giving him some drugs that were at that point experimental. His health plateaued, never got better but little by little got worse. In the last year his weight started to drop, and in the last 4 months his weight dropped by 50%! We noticed he was changing dramatically last monday so we took him to the vet on Tuesday, we weighed out the options and the vet gave him some stuff to help him hydrate hoping that he would come out of the crash he was in, he got worse. he stopped eating and drinking and could barely stand on his own 2 days later, so on Friday at 3:30pm we said our goodbyes, surrounded him with all the love and tears as he slipped away to kitty heaven. The tears have slowed but still come out at certain moments during the days.. its never easy to say goodbye to a loved one of any species.

So I found myself along with Tabitha, using food as a stress relief all week. We both knew it too. For myself, it is about learning and acknowledging the moments of weakness and how I deal with stress, combined with my constant need to be the shoulder to cry on, the rock of support, the pillar of the walls to protect and comfort Tabitha. I put this on myself as I know I am one of those people who protect care for others that I love. I give all of myself before others, and I don't want to change this part of me, just how I do it is what I need to change.

I would give anything to stop any harm that comes to Tabitha, she is everything to me and I feel the pain that she has as well as my own grief over such a loving cat Tigger was. I encouraged and enabled bad eating habits during this week. I truly feel guilty for that; the week started off with a good walk after last weeks post, thinking that we should go for a walk every night this week after we get home and before dinner.. then our world began to crash. Tigger was Tabitha's baby, and I swear Tigger thought he was a human baby! You had to meet him to understand! He loved to cuddle and sitting on your chest as close to your face as possible just to nuzzle you. He had no issues showing his affection for Tabitha and to a lesser extent of myself.

I know it is one step to recognize the areas I need to work on and know that it is another to act upon those weaknesses. I figure this is now the time to start re-training my brain, especially as I/we go through this grieving process. They say losing a loved one is one of the most stressful times in someones life, so why not use this time in our lives as a positive to evoke change?

I truly believe that we all must go through some darkness in our lives in order to see the light. I will take this sad moment and turn it to a positive; I will use death to encourage life, and dedicate it to Tigger so that someday when life's tragedies come my way again, I will have the experience of grief with an alternate outlook of my own health and working through the pain without turning to food.

In life it s not about what life throws at us it is about how we deal with it. The way I dealt with it obviously hasn't been working so I need to change.

Okay enough for now I guess, so here are the numbers as best I can guess..

LW: -
TW: 430? ( my scale doesn't go past 415)
TGW: 240

Goals for Becoming Me

Good Sunday to you all!

I had a topic all picked out and of course, at the last second I am changing it. LOL!

I was going to talk about how I was working on confronting my challenges this past week and what they were; however as this is all in its own discovery phase I thought it would be best to declare clear goals I want to achieve, as I have already stated in the contract and by doing so I figured I should be more definite of specific goals.

So here goes:

Goal # 1 - Wave good by to the 400s  - hit the 399 mark

Goal # 2 - Be active with a daily routine of getting my daily steps in. - I want to be competitive with Tabitha who is killing it daily with her steps.

Goal # 3 - Not need a seat belt extender on an airplane ever again!  - It's funny .. I used to be very embarrassed to have to ask for one, now I'm not as embarrassed as it has occurred so many times however I am embarrassed that I am not embarrassed about it!

Goal # 4 - Go to Universal Studios and not be anxious about if I will fit on a ride (specifically the Mummy ride - last time, Nov 2009, the shoulder barnes would not lock in the all the way - so I had to exit the ride)

Goal # 5 - Sayanora to 300s - hit 299 mark

Goal # 6 - Be able to buy clothes at ANY store (be an XL size)

Goal # 7 - Own a suit or two - i will even let Tabitha pick out the colour/style

Goal # 8 - No more swelling / Edema on my legs - my right leg is like bag of water wrapped around my calf while my ankle is normal size

Goal # 9 - Go up any stairs without being out of breath

Goal # 10 - Fit in a restaurant booth (or chair with arms) comfortably

Goal # 11 - Inspire others to lose weight too!

Goal # 12 - Be fit and healthy enough to become a certified trainer - and work with people who truly need my help and are at a point in their life where I am right now as I right this.

Goal # 13 - Log my daily meals constantly for an entire month - then continue on as a life habit.

Goal # 14 - Farewell forever 200s

Goal # 15 - Do up an amazing before and after photo shoot - starting photo will be posted next week

Goal # 16 - Hit the point of Ketosis - Ketosis means that our bodies are using fat for energy. Ketones (also called ketone bodies) are molecules generated during fat metabolism, to do this i need to get my carbs down to less than 50 a day. 

Now these are just a some of my goals and as we go on this journey I will cross off the ones that have been achieved; I will also add new goals as we progress through this journey. 

Next weeks blog I will do the photo of where I started and start posting my SW, CW, LW and TGW (Starting Weight, Current Weight, Lost Weight, To Goal Weight).

If any of you have anything you would like me to post or have any questions about this journey I am taking please feel free to ask or comment here on my Blog.

FYI.. this week I was feeling positive and felt like one of my sweaters were looser fitting than normal. I admit though that nutrition wise I faltered and had too much carbs, there will be some weak days but overall I am conscious of this and will work ext a hard this week to limit the carbs. I want to hit that Ketosis and I know I can and will.

I am heading out for a walk so, until our next chat..Blessings to all of you!

The Contract

March 1st, 2015

Another week has gone by and the struggle continues. I don't really feel like blogging today, I am in a funk and feeling down, I didn't even want to get out of bed today but I am working at being accountable to myself and thus all of you in cyberland who read this. 

Last week I went through some blogs in search of some people who have similar stories to mine. I found some, skimmed them over and then saved them to my bookmarks for future reading; today i read one..

As I was reading this story, I realized his story is so familiar; it is a man whom has already lost the weight and continues to blog but his story echoes my own. His name is Tony, his blog is "The Anti-Jared", he is a Chef whom was at the same weight range I am currently at. His experience and thoughts are similar and I applaud his effort and hard work to get to where he is now.

After reading some of tony's stories I feel like it is contract day. by this i mean that I am going to make a contract with all of you, so here goes.

I, Scott Hamilton Macfadyen, do hereby acknowledge that my health is unacceptable, that being over 400lbs is unacceptable and I will be accountable to myself and thus all of you by logging on the interworldnetthingy my struggles, defeats and victories as I work to overcome my weight issues.

I will do this by:

1. Logging to you at least once a week 
2. Being completely honest with my struggles and choices
3. I will face my fears and anxieties that are associated with my weight and not run from the issue.
4. I invite anyone who reads this to honestly and sincerely call me out on anything they feel is questionable in my actions.

My goal is to be between 180-200 lbs and live a happy and healthy lifestyle all year round. I would love to tell you all my starting weight but I am sad to say that my scale only goes to 415lbs and i have not seen that number able to come up for a couple months so I am guessing and from this point on I will consider it to be 435lbs. ( I choose this number as I have been eating healthier since January 1st yet still have not seen this number not even briefly so i know i am not close but I feel like I am not too far from it either)

I realize nothing is overnight and this is a marathon not the 40 yard dash. I need to focus on me more and not worry so much about others as much as I do; I need to learn to love myself and take care of myself so I can truly care for and properly love others, and that is not easy for me!

I am trying to be my own motivation but I just don't know how, baby steps I know but it is just learning where to put my first foot before i go the next step. Is this the way I do not know but it is worth a try. 

Well that is it for today i think, maybe I can convince myself to go out for a walk.

Peace be to all...

Spring into it..

Happy Sunday to all!

So here we are again, another week has gone by and more steps in the journey continue.

This week flew by fast, and during this time I kept my weightloss goal in mind. Though there were a couple days where the food choices may have been questionable however I tried to stay true despite the flubs.
I have felt that my clothes fit a bit better this week but it can be so disheartening looking at the bigger picture of knowing there is so much more to go. Sometimes I get lost in the thought that it is pointless. That I missed my chance when I had lost the weight before but did not have a maintenance plan in place to maintain the weight loss.
In case you did not know; in late 2003 I had decided that enough was enough, that on January 1st 2004 I would start a new life. I was inspired by Dr. Phil and his "new" show (i think that was his second or 3rd season) and i was scared when I realized that when I lay down to sleep that I could feel the pressure on my neck and thus my breathing was different.
I was living in Nimpo Lake, a world away from this one; a remote part of BC up on the Chilcotin plateau on the way to Bella Coola. I had bought the book Ultimate Weightloss Solution, began walking everyday out on the frozen lake, a half hour at first, ( a half hour in one direction before heading back) then slowly built it up to an hour (2 hours total).
I received plenty of encouragement from my employers Donn and Pyllis Irwin as well as the locals living on the lake. Over time the pounds shed, and shed quite regularly, from 3 - 7 pounds a week with the occasional 10 - 12 pounds. When I did plateau I changed up my routine and it dropped off again. within 6 months i had lost nearly 100 pounds within a year i had lost 160 pounds! At that point I was addicted to my 6 days a week exercising; addicted to my routine of healthy choices and loved my cheat day too! On cheat day I could have ANYTHING I wanted, and believe me I DID! I had potato chips and dip for breakfast with pop (diet of course!) and just whatever I wanted, and I still lost the weight! I could finally go into any store and try on a size 38/40 jeans! Holy Hell! It had been about 18 years or more since that was possible, I was a L not XL or XXL or any other letters!
I eventually moved back to the coast (skipping the dark ages story) and fully immersed myself in the world of Chef and opening up a new restaurant / pub. My focus became work and as usual I put work ahead of myself; my creative side flourished and my weight represented and reflected it. It was the start of my fall, and while I kept saying "it is just a few extra pounds, i will lose it no worries..."

 

2003

2013

 

2013

 

2009

 

2009

 

2012

 

2013

 

2007

Sorry but I don't have any pics from when I lost the weight :(

By the time I met Tabitha, I had gained almost 100 pounds again and still living in denial and yet the weight just kept coming on. Now here I am in need of losing over 50% of my body weight. I wish I hadn't wasted my efforts from before; but now here I am 10 years older, 200+ pounds heavier and struggling yet again. If when I lose this weight I realize now that its about maintaining the lifestyle, it is about changing my life from the inside out, not just mentally but physically.
As I said in a previous blog, I have so many dreams of when I lose this weight, but it all depends on changing and maintaining what I am. I want will be a golfer, a curler, a bowler, a beer league baseball player, a runner, a Disney marathoner, a swimmer, a .. whatever I want to do to be active. I am making myself a priority and in turn an inspiration to myself and hopefully one day to others. Change is never easy, the process can be hard but the results will be worth it.

2001

I truly find logging my journey and this struggle helpful. I am sure the more I continue and work through these struggles the more I will log and share, small steps to a long term goal.

 wish you all the strength to find your journey and forge the path that is meant for you; remember that I am here and going through challenges too; so if you need some motivation just know your not alone!

Blessings to you all!

This weeks journey...

Well, hello world!

So it has been about a week since my last post and I want to try to give you weekly posts; so I figured best to start with my week in review.
 It was BC Family Day last Monday and I got to spend it with my beautiful wife; then on Tuesday it was dentist time and I was thoroughly impressed with the evolution of dentistry from my previous dentist whom I had for the last 30+ years to my new dentist! Only 15 mins for dealing with a cavity.. OMG... very very impressed! The rest of the week was rather uneventful.. just work and life in general, then Valentine's Day last night.. but that is a separate post.
 This week I have been thinking a lot about my post of last week and my weightless struggles. I have felt like pressure was taken from my shoulders and though I am no where near my goal yet I feel more focused.
During the month of January Tabitha and I did a cleanse of sorts to reboot the system, it is called The Whole 30. While I do find it good it gets a bit boring after a while and the last week of it I was looking forward to having it end. I wasn't necessarily craving anything but just wanting to know I have freedom even if i screw up on something. Since February I haven't changed much, I hardly eat any carbs and have minimal amounts of dairy is the only real change. We still eat fairly clean food and we both feel better, Tab has had some amazing results, but I will let her tell you; just go to Tabitha's Blog and check out what goes on with her!
I felt this week that my clothes fit me a bit better and that my energy was good, I felt that life is ok and that I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had some flashbacks a few times of when I had lost the weight before (back in 2004-2005), and it made me positive and hopeful. I always worry about slipping and falling behind of where I want to be which is a slippery slope into depression and the vicious circle of emotional eating.
There are so many things I want to do if when I get fit again. I want to take up golf, boxing/kick boxing,  curling, running/hiking; I want to feel accomplished that I have learned something new and that this old dog has a few new tricks. I am hoping that envisioning a healthy lifestyle not just now but when i am at my goal will keep me on the paved path I need to be.

It is just about going through this overgrown forest and finding that old trail that leads to a path that ends up a gravel road that will turn into my paved journey. Small steps lead to great strides; we all trip and fall at times but it's the will to get up and continue that defines us.

How will you be defined?

Through the eyes of an overweight person

So here we are again, discussing weight and the struggles there in.

I find it therapeutic to open up about my struggles and my efforts on this subject, it is not easy when you're a plus size person.

Everything is physically and mentally harder to do, from getting up from  sitting position to walking at pace with those who are with you to going into a gym or asking for help.

I once had asked someone I knew to help me with my journey in weight-loss; I asked them back in 2008/09 before I got married, to help me attain my goals of being more fit before the wedding. This person lived in Abbotsford and I lived in Surrey at the time and I told her that I would drive out there everyday if I had to, I would pay whatever I could if she would only help me with the tools to move forward. She is a certified trainer and I was a willing student eager to change; I sent her an email telling of my desire to change and she responded that my story made her cry and that she wanted to help me, I just had to wait until Monday and she would contact me to set up a game plan. Monday came and went.. I followed up with her a few times and have yet to hear from her other than a Facebook generic post or a Instagram saying how her and her hubby and family are eager to change lives of others and how they are on an exciting program and blah blah blah...  all I can say is actions are what counts not words.

Just recently, as in last week, I went to my local gym, the gym in which i have a membership in, Penticton Racquetball and Fitness Club, on a work related call; now as a plus size person be it work related or health related pure business etiquette should be to be welcomed when i walk through the door. ESPECIALLY when I am a plus size person, I should be made to feel welcome and encouraged to interact with others to be apart of something to extend my life and made to feel like they can help, but not here on this day.

I walked in the door and the 2 girls behind the counter glared at me almost as if to say "OMG you should not be here this place is only for good looking healthy people!" I was furious just at the looks i received from those who worked there. First of all I am a member of this club, second of all as I have spent years decades in the hospitality industry I like to think I am somewhat of an expert on customer service, sure I may have some self image issues and perhaps I was imagining it, but the truth be told, I know the sneer of a person's face when giving the look of "what the f*** are you doing here, you need to leave before i really make you feel not welcome!"
I will never go back to this place again because of this. The only acceptable way when i enter or anyone despite size age colour or gender should be a welcoming inviting smile and a "How can I help you today?"

Believe me when I say we are aware of our size. We are aware when we don't fit in an airplane seat as we should or how we are encroaching on someone's personal space when at a hockey game sitting n our season ticket holder seats. We are aware of all the young kids, and some adults, who look at us as we walk along the beach path or through the grocery store. We know, we know, we know..
It is you who does not understand how we are frustrated with ourselves, how we find it embarrassing when we struggle to tie our shoes, when we struggle to find clothes that fit and not show off our excess curves; how we struggle to accept our selves and not go in the vicious circle of frustration, self loathing, depression and turning to food as comfort and getting frustrated again at our lack of ability to stop the cycle. You do not understand until you have seen things from our perspective and how others view us. We struggle with our confidence in ourselves to change; we think: it is too hard,; it will take too long; what is the point I will just get fat again like after every other attempt; it is just safer to sit on the sidelines and watch life pass us by than to let the hurt of failure in.

Believe me no one wants to change this thinking more than me. I want to be the inspiration to others. I want to be the path to others healthy salvation by being able to say "I was in your shoes; I have been where you are and I am where you will be".  I would love to take this journey to the next level to make my transformation to the next step; lose the weight, become a trainer and help those who need it and not let cost of my service as a trainer be a hinderance. To me it seems like a lot of these young trainers now-a-days only take on this who are already relatively healthy; well i want to be the trainer that takes on the people who truly need the help and do everything I can to help them, but first I must find my own journey to me..

A new beginning....

Hi everyone!

It is me, Scott aka "MaCruzLvr"..
I have decided to start over and start fresh with a new blog.
I felt that my old bloggy thing wasn't quite right. Whilst I did get some thoughts out it just didn't have the right fit. I guess I used my wife, Tabitha,'s blog (Coffee, Wine and Wanderlust) as inspiration on fine tuning.
So I will begin again from the start.
I have a beautiful wife who inspires me with her love and patience.
I have a loving and supportive family whom I love very much!
I often think and wonder what impact I can do to make the world a better place.
I am overweight morbid obese, there i said it... and have some serious struggles in working to overcome this mental trap.
I love to travel with my wife; to see new places, try new things and taste new culinary flavours. (we just booked our next cruise to the Caribbean! - this will be the 3rd Caribbean Cruise in a row and we have yet to double up on destination ports!). I know this last part with the culinary tasting can be a bit counter-productive with losing weight but hey I am a "retired" chef. Why the quotes you may ask? Well, I hung up my apron over 2 years ago to go in to food equipment sales, so that I would have a chance to see my wife, live a more normal of a life and to stop living in a burned out and stressed out life.

As it is a new year now and we all have those New Year's Revolutionythingamagigs to self improvement I actually decided not to do one... sort of. Let me explain:

Every year it seems that everyone makes them then breaks them. That "we all" commit to improving what we are and how we do it and for the first 7 days its great.. then we start to trail off.  Well late last year...  September/October i decided that I want to start making some life changes now and not put all the stress on one particular month. I have made some conscious choices from then to do some minor choices on certain aspects of my life, so by the time New Years came I was already going on what others claim to be a "New Year New Me" attitude.
One of the first things I did was cut down on my carbs intake, this has made me feel less bloated and provided a bit more energy to do things. Both Tabitha and I have refined some of our eating habits; we started this summer doing some canning and plan on increase the amount of canning this year so that we control what it is we put into our bodies. It is all baby steps but steps in the right direction. We joined a local gym that had a buy 3 months get the 4th free and started doing some regular trips to the gym, now this has gone by the way side and we haven't been going; more to this later.

That is it for now...

Peace and love to you all!