No Resolutions .. Determinations is the word

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 It is just after Christmas 2015 and I sit here trying to figure out the things to say about where I am in my life.
On December 22nd 2015 I was diagnosed with Severe Sleep Apnea... a dangerous level of Apnea ( Apnea meaning "stopping of breath" ). i was told that an average person has less than 14 incidents or less an hour when sleeping... I was diagnosed with 56.7 per hour.. or basically once per minute. With this diagnosis I was placed on a trial CPAP machine and as it has only been 6 days I do feel better. I now wake up without headaches (a result of lack of oxygen when sleeping) and I have virtually stopped snoring ( essentially my airway closed completely when i was sleeping thus my snorting and snoring when sleeping was me strugggling to get air... SCARY SHIT!!) this was in my opinion brough on because of my weight although you dont have to be overweight to have Sleep Apnea.

To those of you who have never struggled with weight issues it is hard for me to bring into words as this struggle is all I have ever known. As the year comes to a close I think of where I was this year (and every year for that matter) and where I am headed; this is where New Year's Resolutions come in to play, but I want it to be more than that. I have always struggled privately with depression and feeling not good enough, struggled with my weight and feeling that i can not be accepted by the public. I struggle with self-image and putting up a good front for others to see. I constantly and privately question my own worth to myself, to my family, to my friends and to my general existence.
I always have such grand plans to change and succeed yet the first set back I cave in and tell myself that I am a failure and that is all i will ever be. I have to stop and try to convince myself it is not true constantly. Its all a vicious circle as this depression and self doubt causes me to use food as a comfort tool which thus in turn continues the cycle.

So what do I do? How do i change?  This is where my struggle really begins.

My plans now are to actively realize that what I have been doing to combat this depression and circle of life that I am in is not effective. That it is not conducive to what I want and who i know I can be. That continuing on this course I will never get to where I am.
I am wanting to change the course I had set in my life; I want to change how I go about life and doing the things I usually do. This means I have to put myself first, do things for me. I know this may cause waves in my life and being the "Pleaser" personality I am it will be hard, I need to "please" me first though.
I have to learn to accept that I will fail and it will be okay, This just means when I do fail that I will have another opportunity to succeed, that I will have a chance to learn and grow.

My Goals for 2016 - (and if i don't reach them all its okay there is always another time when I can)

1. Polar Bear Swim - January 1st is ideal time for this.
2. Start a regular published V-log about my weight-loss struggle - ( I believe that my story can inspire others and help me see myself and who i am and how my negative thinking affects me. by recognizing this I hope to change this.)
3. Not cave in  when it comes to meal choices - (there are 4 adults in my house and I usually eat whatever the consensus is even when i know it is not healthy.)
4. Be more an active participant in my life - I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines
5. Get regular exercise. ( I would like to join Pure Gym this year when i have some spare cash - Pure is essentially open 24/7)
6. Celebrate my victories - ( i am humble with my current victories as I am knowing/feeling there is a failure coming soon) 
7. Be a better husband to my wife. ( I let my stress and depression come out in a negative way and let it creep out with sarcasm and passive aggressiveness)
8. Do more things that I would usually pass on from being insecure and afraid. 

So this is my thoughts for the year ahead. These are not resolutions to me, instead that are life long goals in changing who I was to whom I can be. This old way hasn't been working for me in my life and it needs to change.

I have more changes I want to make in my life but these are a few small ones that will get the direction changed to where i need it to be.

I am going to take this life of mine and grab control of it. I am going to live it from the drivers side not the passenger's seat. The only thing holding me back is me and i am done with that version of Scott. I accept my fear and welcome it . I will learn from my failures. I will grow with each step. I will fail but I will also succeed. I can do this. I will do this. If I am not afraid I am not trying.