Life and Death.. and how I deal with it.

Good Sunday to you all..

This week I had a topic again all picked out; I even told you last week on what it was and what I was going to do; but life throws a curve ball every once in a while.

Last Monday we noticed that one of our two cats was not doing well; for a quick background story Tigger ( the cuddliest cat ever!!!) has been in end stage kidney failure for the last 6 years. He was actually given 1 year to live when first diagnosed; at which time we did all we could for him to the point of giving him some drugs that were at that point experimental. His health plateaued, never got better but little by little got worse. In the last year his weight started to drop, and in the last 4 months his weight dropped by 50%! We noticed he was changing dramatically last monday so we took him to the vet on Tuesday, we weighed out the options and the vet gave him some stuff to help him hydrate hoping that he would come out of the crash he was in, he got worse. he stopped eating and drinking and could barely stand on his own 2 days later, so on Friday at 3:30pm we said our goodbyes, surrounded him with all the love and tears as he slipped away to kitty heaven. The tears have slowed but still come out at certain moments during the days.. its never easy to say goodbye to a loved one of any species.

So I found myself along with Tabitha, using food as a stress relief all week. We both knew it too. For myself, it is about learning and acknowledging the moments of weakness and how I deal with stress, combined with my constant need to be the shoulder to cry on, the rock of support, the pillar of the walls to protect and comfort Tabitha. I put this on myself as I know I am one of those people who protect care for others that I love. I give all of myself before others, and I don't want to change this part of me, just how I do it is what I need to change.

I would give anything to stop any harm that comes to Tabitha, she is everything to me and I feel the pain that she has as well as my own grief over such a loving cat Tigger was. I encouraged and enabled bad eating habits during this week. I truly feel guilty for that; the week started off with a good walk after last weeks post, thinking that we should go for a walk every night this week after we get home and before dinner.. then our world began to crash. Tigger was Tabitha's baby, and I swear Tigger thought he was a human baby! You had to meet him to understand! He loved to cuddle and sitting on your chest as close to your face as possible just to nuzzle you. He had no issues showing his affection for Tabitha and to a lesser extent of myself.

I know it is one step to recognize the areas I need to work on and know that it is another to act upon those weaknesses. I figure this is now the time to start re-training my brain, especially as I/we go through this grieving process. They say losing a loved one is one of the most stressful times in someones life, so why not use this time in our lives as a positive to evoke change?

I truly believe that we all must go through some darkness in our lives in order to see the light. I will take this sad moment and turn it to a positive; I will use death to encourage life, and dedicate it to Tigger so that someday when life's tragedies come my way again, I will have the experience of grief with an alternate outlook of my own health and working through the pain without turning to food.

In life it s not about what life throws at us it is about how we deal with it. The way I dealt with it obviously hasn't been working so I need to change.

Okay enough for now I guess, so here are the numbers as best I can guess..

LW: -
TW: 430? ( my scale doesn't go past 415)
TGW: 240