A Life with Respect not Regret

Good morning!

I was going to talk about the "Dark Ages" of my life that I feel have driven me back to food thus my weight issues coming back but I have decided not to.

It is not that I don't want to share it with you it is more that I don't want to give it life again.  It is all in my past and I must learn to accept my past and know that there is nothing I can do about it. It happened, I can't change the past, and to let it have air is to let it win. 

For those whom never have read my old blog I will give you a brief synopsis and then not mention it again (or atlas try not to) after this post.

I was just coming out of a break up and living in a remote part of BC; I met a manipulative abusive woman ("Bonnie S" ) from Kelowna (on one of my visits) who made me question everything about who I am and all my life's choices due to the fact that I was lonely and wanted to be in a relationship again. She saw my weakness and over the next year convinced me I was someone I am not and tried to control and ruin me much like she had done to her own 3 children "Braydon, Boedy and Brighton". 

I escaped her evil after she literally threatened to "cut off my head and bury me in a shallow pit"; (all because I drove her "friend" home from the bar (of which she had invited out and said I would giver her a ride afterwards) at this point I was done, I was scared and I had alienated my family, so I walked with the help of an officer friend, Constable W. 

I left all my belongings behind (including my Ford Explorer) and hopped on a bus to take me far away never to see or hear from her again. THANK CHRIST!

It was my choice to let her into my life and my choice to believe what she said. I own that. I also own that I control my own destiny and to let her words echo in my head now is the last thing I want. I am over it. I am taking back my life and I will not let that @#$% have any piece of me by making me  relive the past and miserable again. The controlling is stopped.

I don't want to relive the pain by rehashing it on here. To do that is to give someone else the power to control my life. F#*& that! Excuse my language but I am mad that I let myself be controlled and I am mad that I did not take control of my own life sooner. 

My life should not be about thinking of my own regrets. It is about living respected and dying regretted. I will do just that, by being the best person I can be; this is my journey in achieving that. It is a struggle and a learning curve for sure however it is my road that only I can navigate.

None of us can change the past and all of us have to accept that. It is not easy, but we have to let this "stuff" that holds us back from being true to ourselves go. It starts with forgiveness. Not an easy thing to do by any stretch of the imagination especially when there is so much to forgive. 

I forgive myself for letting my own self be controlled. I find it hard to forgive that woman for her actions and don't know if I ever can; however I forgive her for her actions to the extent that if she did not treat me the way she did and things went they way they did I may never have met Tabitha.  Now the hate I have, yes I said hate, has taken time and has been turning into feeling sorry for what she is and will be come. I know she will end up alone and unloved even by her own children. It is truly sad to know that such a despicable human has written the story of their own life with lies deceit. These lies will eventually close the door on a family dynamic that lacks trust, love and compassion. Gone will be the warmth of family and friendship and cold will be the life that surrounds her much like it does in her own heart. 

I love my life and I accept it for what it is.. experience in this thing we call life. Without these experience, no matter how painful, it would make us different people. Like I said I would never have met Tabitha and her amazing family. My experiences have given me strength in knowing that despite some major bumps I have come out on top. These experiences don't necessarily define me but they make up apart of who I am, it is the choices on how I react to the experiences that defines me. 

Due to my experiences i have learned:

• There isn't always good in everyone
• There isn't always bad in everyone
• Our path isn't set for us and who knows where each path will lead
• For every Dark moment in our lives there is a brighter moment just ahead
• Learning and letting go makes us stronger
• My family is strong and amazing
• Not to be afraid to face my past and question its reality

That last point is very important. I strongly recommend you all to find one moment in your past that bothers you and ask yourself "Does that moment define who I am?" - "Is this memory something that I want to hold on to as a positive in my life?" 

If you can't say yes to those two questions then ask yourself "Do I need to keep this crap in my life then?"

Think about it; then think about a lot of your memories that you feel hold you down and apply the same questions. You will be surprised at how you feel afterwards! (Be sure to physically write these incidents down and the answer to the questions you ask yourself about these events so that you have something to gauge your progress.) When you write this process down your mind is more convinced on its reality and in return you will feel the stress and pressure ease from the burden of being carried throughout your life. In turn you will forgive yourself for carrying them for so long.

Love you all!

Be good to each other and have a blessed week!