This week I had one of those days, I woke up feeling depressed.
I don't know why, okay.. that is a lie, i had a bad dream and it had me in a funk. I am trying to work through it and bring myself back up and yes I know it was just a dream, nothing scary in the dream just some depressing stuff, but like many of those whom battle depression it is not something that you can just snap out of. I have always battled this silent battle, as long as I can remember all the way back to Elementary School, certain things would just get me depressed and during this time I hid it quietly and used food as a comfort. That is why I am where I am at now; right now I just want to eat and console myself. I recognize this perpetual cycle I put myself on and how it affects me so much. I hate it, I also hate feeling this way, feeling lost within myself.
I truly believe that as I lose the weight this depression will dissipate but I don't know for sure. I always put on a brave face but it is obvious to most of my friends and family when I retreat into myself and am not very outgoing and am quiet. (anyone who knows me well knows I am not quiet!)
I know we all have our bad days, our sad days and it is natural. I though have had many days in the darker side of it, a lot more so when I was younger and a lot less since being with Tabitha but this dark cloud does come by but it generally has a touch of grey and is not as dark as it once was.
When trying to losing some weight it can be very defeating when going through this. I question my worthiness of my life and my health, wondering if I am truly worth it. Wondering if others would be happier off if I didn't exist. ( No I am not planning on harming myself!) I just wonder though if I am dragging people down by been a burden. This whole thought process just makes me want to withdraw from the world, and be alone.
It is in this hazy mindset that I must struggle and persevere to find the strength to bounce back. I will not let it control me. I must fight every second for my right to be happy and healthy, and I will get out of this funk. I will get my steps in, get my stairs in and get the job done. I will celebrate the victory of making it through this day and push forward. This is my mind fighting back from what it thinks it knows. Well you know what Mr. Negative Pants?... F*** you! the person i am becoming is stronger than you! I will overcome this and then slap you silly and make you think twice before you darken my day again. I am worth this effort. I am going to conquer you and make you my bitch! i will survive this attack on my emotions and efforts and attack you with my will and drive to continue on. I will not let you set me back.
As i wrote this Blog I was feeling the depression and frustration turn to anger as I truly fight within myself. I am using this frustration to turn to anger and perseverance so i can conquer this feeling. It is now more than ever I need to stick to my guns and continue to strive to hit my goals. I will not let this turmoil define me, I will have it inspire me so that it wont happen anymore.
So many times when I was younger I just turned to food as a crutch for my emotions. I never really knew how to ask for help, and I never wanted the attention if I could, I was afraid I would be seen differently, that I am crazy, that my school mates would point laugh and runaway, so I ate. I did not know how to cope or deal with my feelings of doubt and depression I would eat, which would perpetuate the cycle of being teased as the fat kid or being the outcast, but I never recognized this cycle.
Overtime I learned to put the mask up so well that I even started to think all was okay, despite the continuous weight gain. I denied it for so long I believed the lie.decades went by and finally when I was in my 30's I had a chance to stop everything in my life and focus on myself. At that point I lost 160 lbs I was the healthiest I had been since grade 3 and this next part will scare you but... I was the same weight as I was in Grade 6, yes in Grade 6 I was 200 lbs! I was so proud of myself! Fast forward a few years, I had moved back to civilization and life continued on, however I did not learn the skills I needed to cope with the world and my weight ballooned again, By the time I met my wife I had gained 80 lbs and it didn't stop. I knew nothing of work life balance, i put everything I was into everything and everyone else and never put myself or my health first. I was a workaholic and obviously being a chef employers loved it. The rare times I wasn't working I put my friends and relationships with others at the forefront, the one relationship I needed to work on was myself and I didn't.
Then I met Tabitha..
Tab helped me realize that I was killing myself with work and she helped me slow down. She pushed me to make sure I have a more balanced life with working in kitchens and having a life. this progress was slow but it got to where it needed to be, but I still did not take proper care of myself. I swear it has taken some beatings on the back of the head for her words to sink in to where I am finally working on me. It's a slow process and journey to get to this process and it will continue to be a challenging journey while I continue to learn about myself and learn new habits, but it is not about the destination, it is about the journey to finding me.
*** Post Script****
24 hrs later after writing the above post.
I have to admit, I caved in on the way home on this day and had 2 chocolate bars, I knew it was wrong and that I shouldn't make the choice, but the comfort of it just called to me. The feeling of eating is all I have really known and bad habits are hard to break. The next day I have picked my self up and started back on track, we are all human and we all make bad choices from time to time but choosing to not let it define me is key. One bad day doesn't set the tone much like one good day wont erase all the bad choices. I still did 5 flights of stairs this day just did not get many steps. I applaud my own effort to be consistent with trying to get some exercise none the less. Makes me look forward to getting a gym membership so when I am in the funk I can just go to the gym and work out my frustrations. I am determined to let it inspire me to get healthier and fight my way out of the situation. I WILL get there, one step at a time but I will arrive at my destination!
A special thank you to all those whom gave me social media love and positive encouragement/ pep talk to persevere when I struggled on this day, it was greatly appreciated. Thank you Reiko, Renee, Russ, Tracy, Irv and Jamie and all others whom I may have missed .. even the phone call from The Hoff for the support. Knowing I have a good support group around me feels good especially when you go through a day of feeling alone.
I also nailed the day with 13 flights of stairs and over 6000 steps.. it was a good day!
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