Friday's: Rants Rambles & Chaos of Thoughts .. Understanding Myself and My Motivations

The closer I get to the day i want to join the gym the more nervous I am getting. I have anxiety about failing and joining then giving up on myself. I want this so bad yet I am afraid of failure, which has propelled me to this place in my life in the first place. I think that is why I have tailed off a bit with my steps and stairs late in the week. I have great intentions but somehow I tail off...

 I read blogs, vlogs and look at Instagram feeds and see all these amazing people who are out doing the work and I keep wishing I could be like them getting their burn every day. I know in my heart though that they were or are like me too! We all have dreams of the place where we want our health to be and everyone who is looking to lose a significant amount of weight face the self doubts of failure. Failure is just a chance to learn before succeeding, I know this but, something inside me still makes me afraid. I need to do this for me and face it, and as this is the " Year of the Mac" (what I am calling it anyways, I need to just deal with it and keep moving forward.  Easier said than done some days!

Once I get over this hump with doubt and just get it done it will be easier, I know this. It is facing the unknown which we all have some fear in, but the funny thing is, when it comes to certain areas of my life I find myself fearless. Usually these situations are doing something for someone else, be it cooking or something that someone just needs done, I can't explain it very well on here and am trying to rack my brain with examples... and none pop to mind, of course. I just feel that when my own life or lifestyle is not the priority I will climb the highest ladder or be the first to jump from the tower to make others feel at easy, but if it was my favorite ball on the roof,.. I would not climb that ladder, heck its just a ball i will buy another one, but if it was a friend's or my wife's, I would be the first one up there to get it.

I have been receiving tons of support on my social feeds, surprising ones too! To my surprise I had one of the current contestants on NBC's The Biggest Loser, randomly decide to follow me on Instagram! I was so surprised and shocked and elated and of course I had to follow him back! This is one of my favorite shows that I have been watching religiously for about 8 or 9 years now and here I find Stephen Khmet following me on Instagram!  I am just gobsmacked that whatever i posted on IG caught his eye; this helps give me motivation knowing that someone I have seen struggle with their weight loss and whom is working off the weight. Knowing they work with Bob Harper, Dolvett Quince and Jen Widerstom and he choose to find and follow me, wow, I guess i am just being a fan boy  excited to know that my blog and or social media postings are getting out further than I truly thought they would! I couldn't ask for anything more awesome than that as that is my purpose with this blog and posting of my struggles, to reach others.

So many of us struggle with so many things in life that for me to write about my struggles and use it as an outlet for figuring myself out and finding that path I need to take then have someone/anyone read it, relate and find strength in it that is what I want. We all have different stories yet they are all similar and can inspire us in different ways. While I am working and trying to focus on doing this for me, I want my story to inspire you. Hell because if I can do this and hopefully one day achieve my goals then I am sure as shit positive you can!

My goals are not just about being healthy and living healthy afterwards, I want my story of struggles and triumphs to inspire others. I want to be able to help and reach others who doubt themselves and their journeys. I don't know where my path is taking me but I have considered that when I lose this weight maybe I would look at taking a training course and use my experience to help others. There is something to be said about a trainer who has physically gone from fat to fit. I don't mean someone who lost 20 or 50 pounds, but someone whom has lost over half their body weight and gone to accomplish so much more. Do not get me wrong, the Dolvets, Bobs, and Jens of the world whom may have lost some weight / toned up and has become certified trainers that is fantastic! But I know from my experience that if we obese can not be trained by the one and only Jillian Michaels or Bob Harper or Dolvett Quince or Jen Widerstrom then.. our thoughts as obese people are that these trainers don't understand me and where I am coming from. However if I have been in those proverbial shoes and came out of it, especially at this point in my life where I should be thinking of my retirement plan and freedom 55 type thinking yet have overcame such a ginormous obstacle as I am facing then why not use this experience to help someone in just as much need as I am now? This is all hypothetical too, I miss working in professional kitchens though I don't really miss the crazy hours, but regardless I am sure that as I lose weight and my confidence within myself grows that the opportunities possibilities will just open up and my thoughts and dreams will expand.

Back to reality though, I cant stop in the land of "what if " or "when" I need to focus on the here and now. I need to get motivated and keep pushing for results. i need to put one foot in front of the other and just get the job done. There is lots of time later to look at the big picture, right now I need to focus on me and doing right by me.

Things I am planning for future blogs:

Guest bloggers - I ask questions about what people are doing to help promote a healthier living or how they find the change and adjustment of living a healthier lifestyle

Recipe Blog - I post some pics of a healthy recipe I invented with the recipe and it's nutritional values

Blogger reviews - I post some info of bloggers and vloggers I follow who provide great motivation, information on many different subjects but mainly health and wellness.(of course my wife's blog will be mentioned regularly!)

And of course I will be providing goal updates as they happen and photos of each achievement along way.

What would you like to see or hear more of on this blog? Let me know!

Don't forget to check out my Vlog page too! 

The big fight.. gloves are off now! - Lesson 2

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So I found myself this week having many moments of making excuses.

There was a moment when it was 8pm and I was doing the dishes left over from dinner and making my lunch for the next day when my lovely wife asked if I was "Still going to go for a walk?" and I started to make excuses, it was getting late and was thinking of skipping it and get my stuff ready for the next day and then get ready for bed; I get up at 5 am so I usually try to go to bed around 9 pm.

So while i finished up what I was doing I thought to myself "Damn it Scott, no excuses!" so when I was done I got changed and did my apartment walking. almost 4000 steps later and 9 flights of stairs all in 20 mins and I was done.

20 minutes that was it! Why was I making excuses for 20 mins of exercise? 20 minutes to work at making my own health better, why did I think I am not worth 20 mins? I was very happy I did it and my wife was proud of my dedication to it; however this is the battle I face.

This is the same battle many of us face on a daily occurrence. Much like my blog from before about the voices in my head it is an ongoing battle of excuses versus will, and a lot of the times I am willing to bet that we don't even realize the bartering and pleading and excuses we make in our head sub-consciously. We tell our selves that we will do it tomorrow or twice as long next time or that it is okay i will just have a little bite of_____ or I ate healthy earlier so its ok if i have ____. We reason and make deals with in our self. It is only natural to do but I can not stress enough the need to hear the reasoning and dealing and scheming of your inner sabotageur trying to reek havoc on you. When you recognize this you need to fight against it, you need to stand firm and stay diligent in your goals.

And when you do come through your fight against yourself and win, CELEBRATE it! You survived the fight, you came through unscathed and healthier for it; why not be proud of that accomplishment?

Its the small victories that will carry us forward. The saying goes that the best way to predict the future is to review the past; so with that said what better past to create than that of smart healthy choices and perseverance of obstacles that were preventing you from succeeding. You are now creating an immediate history of winning and accomplishment. these small victories will grow and grow and soon it will be easy to look back and see where you were to where you now are.

All I am asking for from you and myself is 3 weeks, 21 days straight of good choices and consistently fighting for your own health and life. Obviously going balls to the wall all at once is overwhelming and you will set yourself up for failure, what I am asking of myself and of all of you is 21 days straight of choosing better and making the same smart choices everyday plus one new one to add to your other smart choice.

Example: (examples only.. you choose what you want to do but choose wisely!)

Day 1: No pizza for dinner

Day 2: No pizza for dinner and 20 mins of walking for your health

Day 3: No pizza for dinner, 20 mins of walking for health and record my meals on MyFitnessPal

Day 4: No Pizza, 20 min walk, record meals, drink 4 litres of water a day

Day 5.......

You get the idea of what I am saying, everyday just make a small choice to improve your status. If you can do this for 21 days straight with NO skipped days I guarantee you will be so happy with your progress that you will not want to stop. If you skip a day you must start over again, sorry but you need to have the 21 days continuous success to create a habit and that is our goal here. I want myself and you to create habits of success so that when you look back at your last 3 weeks you feel accomplished, you see that you are truly able to commit and do the work needed and you can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I want you to wake up from your life and become a participant.

After that 3 weeks if you want a rest day have one, but I guarantee you will feel guilty that your not getting your steps in, and that is okay, you DO need rest days but in the beginning you have to set yourself up for success.

So many times I would start off with 2, 3 or even 5 days straight of getting my steps or burn in, then that dreaded rest day would come and guess what... i would be on rest day for next 4 months (or longer). This is why it is so important to go 21 days without that rest, go 21 days with small goals and build upon them. It takes 21 days to form a habit and that is what we need to do to get healthy. Create a habit of putting our life first, create a habit of making smart decisions about our health, create a habit of success, so that when we see our accomplishments there is nothing but victories. Each small victory has now after 21 days become one huge victory because you made smart decisions for 21 days straight!

I am approaching my 21 days of smart choices and I am starting to see where I was and where I am and while it is overwhelming to look and see how far I have yet to go in terms of my weight loss; it is great to see that my food intake choices have created great results. FYI: the only thing I wish I started earlier in this 21 days of smart choices is to start my 20 mins of excercise on day 2 (I think I started on or around day 12). I instead had decided to just get more steps in than I was already getting and that was not specific enough, if I was to re-word it I would say get more steps in while at my day job by going for a walk through fabrication shop every hour. Now I have post its all over my desk as reminders to do things such as walk or drink water while I am at work and i have this blog and my Vlog to remind me and keep track of what I am doing and where I am headed, it is great to have a reference point to refer to.

This is where I want to tell you about lesson 2. You need to log your information.

Log your meals. Log your 21 day steps. Log your activity (or get a fitness tracker of some sort like FitBit or BodyBug or whatever you want as they will log it for you). Log what it is that your internal monologue says (and prove it wrong!). Log your goals. Log what you will do/ how you celebrate each big accomplishment (first 10 pounds, 25lbs, 50 etc - and make it reasonable and non food related). When you log all of these things you hold yourself accountable to your work and success. You can face the reality of your struggles and challenge them head on. you can bare witness to your own change from spectator to participant.  Most importantly it will help you see  the victories of where you were and where you are going and help you understand yourself more along the way.

I have a cork board in my bead room on my side of the bed on it is a list of goals and rewards with room for the date achieved. i see this every morning when I get up and every night when I go to bed and I think of how close I am to the next goal. I am excited once I start crossing off items from this list. As i have a long way to go as I want to lose over 55% of my body mass I have some big rewards the closer I get to my final goal. For example, I have a dream cruise on the list, a new suit, once I reach toward the end of my goals, however I also have new work out shoes, new headphones, new work out clothes, gym membership etc for my start out goals as I begin this journey. They start off as goals to help and encourage me as I begin my journey and end off when I have lost over 200 pounds they become more of a celebration of my revealing of the hard work I have done. The dream vacation is for the end as I will feel finally comfortable go go to a sunny destination and take off my shirt when I go to the pool or beach.

Your home work this week is to to start logging, and once you have started and are on you journey, write down your goals.

This is going to be the most exciting journey of your life as I know it will be for mine. Every step leads to another and in the end it all leads to our journey of finding us. In your journey what is your end goal reward?

I will try to start regular posts Mondays (weigh in days) and Fridays (random thoughts)

Please like and share if you found my blog helpful because if it helped/inspired you then maybe it will inspire others too!

Don't for get to check out my Vlog too!

SW 447

LW 438

TW 438

Loss 0

LTD 9

Not the result I wanted but its ok.. every week is a new challenge. I will overcome this!

The Taboo subject obese people don't discuss... Depression

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This week I had one of those days, I woke up feeling depressed.

I don't know why, okay.. that is a lie, i had a bad dream and it had me in a funk. I am trying to work through it and bring myself back up and yes I know it was just a dream, nothing scary in the dream just some depressing stuff, but like many of those whom battle depression it is not something that you can just snap out of. I have always battled this silent battle, as long as I can remember all the way back to Elementary School, certain things would just get me depressed and during this time I hid it quietly and used food as a comfort. That is why I am where I am at now; right now I just want to eat and console myself. I recognize this perpetual cycle I put myself on and how it affects me so much. I hate it, I also hate feeling this way, feeling lost within myself.

I truly believe that as I lose the weight this depression will dissipate but I don't know for sure. I always put on a brave face but it is obvious to most of my friends and family when I retreat into myself and am not very outgoing and am quiet. (anyone who knows me well knows I am not quiet!)

I know we all have our bad days, our sad days and it is natural. I though have had many days in the darker side of it, a lot more so when I was younger and a lot less since being with Tabitha but this dark cloud does come by but it generally has a touch of grey and is not as dark as it once was.

When trying to losing some weight it can be very defeating when going through this. I question my worthiness of my life and my health, wondering if I am truly worth it. Wondering if others would be happier off if I didn't exist. ( No I am not planning on harming myself!) I just wonder though if I am dragging people down by been a burden. This whole thought process just makes me want to withdraw from the world, and be alone.

It is in this hazy mindset that I must struggle and persevere to find the strength to bounce back. I will not let it control me. I must fight every second for my right to be happy and healthy, and I will get out of this funk. I will get my steps in, get my stairs in and get the job done. I will celebrate the victory of making it through this day and push forward. This is my mind fighting back from what it thinks it knows. Well you know what Mr. Negative Pants?... F*** you! the person i am becoming is stronger than you! I will overcome this and then slap you silly and make you think twice before you darken my day again. I am worth this effort. I am going to conquer you and make you my bitch! i will survive this attack on my emotions and efforts and attack you with my will and drive to continue on. I will not let you set me back.

As i wrote this Blog I was feeling the depression and frustration turn to anger as I truly fight within myself. I am using this frustration to turn to anger and perseverance so i can conquer this feeling. It is now more than ever I need to stick to my guns and continue to strive to hit my goals. I will not let this turmoil define me, I will have it inspire me so that it wont happen anymore.

So many times when I was younger I just turned to food as a crutch for my emotions. I never really knew how to ask for help, and I never wanted the attention if I could, I was afraid I would be seen differently, that I am crazy, that my school mates would point laugh and runaway, so I ate. I did not know how to cope or deal with my feelings of doubt and depression I would eat, which would perpetuate the cycle of being teased as the fat kid or being the outcast, but I never recognized this cycle.

Overtime I learned to put the mask up so well that I even started to think all was okay, despite the continuous weight gain. I denied it for so long I believed the lie.decades went by and finally when I was in my 30's I had a chance to stop everything in my life and focus on myself. At that point I lost 160 lbs I was the healthiest I had been since grade 3 and this next part will scare you but... I was the same weight as I was in Grade 6, yes in Grade 6 I was 200 lbs! I was so proud of myself! Fast forward a few years, I had moved back to civilization and life continued  on, however I did not learn the skills I needed to cope with the world and my weight ballooned again, By the time I met my wife I had gained 80 lbs and it didn't stop. I knew nothing of work life balance, i put everything I was into everything and everyone else and never put myself or my health first. I was a workaholic and obviously being a chef employers loved it. The rare times I wasn't working I put my friends and relationships with others at the forefront, the one relationship I needed to work on was myself and I didn't.

Then I met Tabitha..

Tab helped me realize that I was killing myself with work and she helped me slow down. She pushed me to make sure I have a more balanced life with working in kitchens and having a life. this progress was slow but it got to where it needed to be, but I still did not take proper care of myself. I swear it has taken some beatings on the back of the head for her words to sink in to where I am finally working on me. It's a slow process and journey to get to this process and it will continue to be a challenging journey while I continue to learn about myself  and learn new habits, but it is not about the destination, it is about the journey to finding me.

*** Post Script****

24 hrs later after writing the above post.

I have to admit, I caved in on the way home on this day and had 2 chocolate bars, I knew it was wrong and that I shouldn't make the choice, but the comfort of it just called to me. The feeling of eating is all I have really known and bad habits are hard to break. The next day I have picked my self up and started back on track, we are all human and we all make bad choices from time to time but choosing to not let it define me is key. One bad day doesn't set the tone much like one good day wont erase all the bad choices. I still did 5 flights of stairs this day just did not get many steps. I applaud my own effort to be consistent with trying to get some exercise none the less. Makes me look forward to getting a gym membership so when I am in the funk I can just go to the gym and work out my frustrations. I am determined to let it inspire me to get healthier and fight my way out of the situation. I WILL get there, one step at a time but I will arrive at my destination!

A special thank you to all those whom gave me social media love and positive encouragement/ pep talk  to persevere when I struggled on this day, it was greatly appreciated. Thank you Reiko, Renee, Russ, Tracy, Irv and Jamie and all others whom I may have missed .. even the phone call from The Hoff for the support. Knowing I have a good support group around me feels good especially when you go through a day of feeling alone.

I also nailed the day with 13 flights of stairs and over 6000 steps.. it was a good day!

The Switch.... Part 2

I am so happy with my weigh in this week, I mean seriously 9 pounds in 18 days is a great job. Sure I want bigger numbers per week but let's look at it from a different perspective..

Since Jan 1st I have cut out approximately 75% of my carb intake and tried to walk more everyday.

That is it!

To me it shows the significance of just making small adjustments in my daily life and activity and I have received tremendous results!

I look forward to when I lose more and become more active. I am excited for what those results will entail!

I am sure that I will have some drawbacks and falter a bit when I do change my routine to a more active one but I know that I can achieve so much more when I put the effort into it even more. I recognize when you change up your typical routine it can throw your body into survival mode. I believe this is why it can be hard to lose weight when travelling lots, however I also know that when you get in a routine you can become complacent in what you do and take shortcuts. Shortcuts is what got me to where I am, routine is what brought my health into a dangerous place, complacency is what has made me gain weight.

I am done with not facing the monotony and complacency that has led me to be a spectator in my own life. I won't let it define me anymore. This time next year I want to be in a curling league (a fun one as i have never played before), and be gearing up for a "beer league" softball team that either I or both Tabitha and I can join for fun. A year from now I want to be looking for golf clubs to buy and be making golf a regular habit in the afternoons in the summertime, even if only playing 9 holes. This is part of my goals for next year. but it takes one day at a time, one step at a time. It takes celebrating a victory, no matter how small, but own it as a true accomplishment, knowing it was hard work to get to that goal and with more hard work there will be more goals!

It also takes having people around you who support your idea and goals. People who will give you the support you need to achieve what you are working for. It takes having the drive and determination to get where you want to be and not let anything stop you from being successful.

This weekend we were invited over to dinner at a family members house; now I don't usually discuss with them in open conversation about my weight or eating habits and didn't at this time, (it is funny how I can write about it but open conversation with anyone other than my wife makes me uncomfortable... I guess that is a fear I will have to conquer at some point this year!). Dinner was pasta with meat sauce and salad, I consciously skipped the pasta (and garlic toast) to just have a few leafs of salad. The old me would have just ate it all and gone back for seconds but the new me wont do that. I am making the choices that are best for me not the choices of sacrificing my health and food plan in order to not offend anyone. I know they were not offended at me just having salad and that is great. They are great people and I know they will support me no matter what, but the point I am making is that in social situations it is up to me and only me to make the decisions that are best to me. That choice to cheat, for me, will only result in more cheating and get me going in a direction I am fighting so hard to get away from.

I don't want any of you to follow that path to the dark side either because the dark side DOES have cookies and it will tempt you! That temptation has got me to where I am and controlling it from within, having the determination to say no or to choosing better is more important than the choice of gaining weight, of losing the progress I have made so far, of continuing to put my life and health at risk.

You truly have to want it more than anything else in order to get results.

So many times in the past i gave up because I thought I wasn't worth it or because I knew I would fail anyway so I did not try. I blamed myself for getting in this position and did nothing to get myself out of it. No one can get me out of it except me. Hell I would watch Biggest Loser thinking I can do what they do, then I would eat a bag of chips afterwards! I couldn't do that when watching as I was sure Jillian, Dolvett or Bob would find out and kick my ass (though that would have been a good thing if they did!) !

I just want you to find your drive and spark, let it inspire you and drive you towards success. You need to want it and not just say it. So many times I would say it but never truly mean it, and if you believe it you will truly know it. If you are unsure if you mean it when you say the words that you want to lose weight and do what it takes to get it done, then you wont achieve it. No one can make you do it if your heart isn't in it. You need to find that spark that starts you on the path to finding you!

Keep putting one step infront of the other!

Hearing voices in my head is only bad if you let it be... AKA Lesson 1!

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I am trying to stay regular on my postings and so far so good! (After all this is my 5th of the year and we are barely 2 weeks into 2016!)

This last week I have been really focusing on my Carbs intake and I think it has been pretty darn good. I average 100 - 120 carbs a day .. I would like that to drop to 80 to 100 grams of carbs per day if I can but it is still a great number to achieve when first going to a low carb lifestyle! ( I don't like the word diet as most diets people bounce on and off from and I want this to be an ongoing lifestyle.

I have had a few new likes on my Facebook page from near and far. ( I am actually surprised how some people stumble across it as I received a like from someone in Wyoming...  I don't even know anyone in Wyoming but am happy they came by to see what is going on! by the way Welcome to my page Susy K from Wyoming!)

My attitude has been pretty much spot on all week as I am working hard at embracing the challenges I face on doing my best not to waiver, of course some days are better than others!

I have been thinking a lot about just focusing on the little things, trying to change habits and start everything anew. My old way of doing things was not working so it is important I start new habits to hopefully garner success.

I am trying not to make excuses for anything in my daily life, I am trying to walk more when I am at work, I have a desk job  and there is snow outside but as I work in a fabrication facility and I am trying to go and walk through the shop and go up and down the stairs to the storage area more so that I can build my steps up. Yes I know it is not scheduled exercise that I need to do but its a start, that was not an excuse but a step in the right direction; I will have a set time to exercise and that time is coming soon!

I have a few things that I am planning for future blogs and V-logs including hopefully some guest appearances by some awesome people.. but more of that coming in the next little while. Heck, I cant give you everything all at once!

I know as I grow and learn about myself I will be sharing more of who I am and how this journey is going for me and I am excited to share this with you as it comes. I will always be raw and honest with you my favourite reader!  (Shhhh! Don't tell anyone I have favourites!) If I am not honest with myself how can I be honest with you, right?

I find it weird that I find myself thinking throughout the day : "How am I going to get more steps in?"..  What the heck is happening to me? Don't get me wrong I still think of food and what I want to do to it, I am a "retired chef" after all; I cant just kick the habit! I do like this thought process changing though, I think of it as a change of consciousness withing me. Long term I want my story to inspire you and have you find familiarity in my struggle and strength from how I overcame the struggles, it is just that I can't think that far ahead, it is one day at a time, one foot in front of another, my head down and concentrating on where my next step will be. I am hoping a year from now i can lift my head up and turn around to see how far I have come, seeing where i am at and can then see where I need to go and envisioning where I will end up. Right now it is just too far to see and think about.

I have been trying to get out of my head that I am too old or that my end goal will take too long. the fact of the matter is, who cares when I get to the end, its how I get there and that I do arrive. I have mainly been a self defeatist in my life; talking myself out of what I want or need / should do. How can i achieve success with a mental state like that? As I said earlier, it takes a change of mind and attitude to get to where I need to go. As the saying goes " Insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results.each time". Well, if you want to change anything in this world it starts from within. I am the change I want to be, I just have to believe in myself and show myself I can do it. Prove the nagging cynic within that he is wrong and that I can prove it. Some say I may be crazy and its just the voice in my head, but you know what? They are right! It is the voice in my head! we all have an internal monologue that exists with us and never stops, it is our thoughts and thinking process, why and how we talk our selves out and into things. This has been truly my first step in this journey, to change my internal monologue.  When I can change my self defeating thoughts and start a new dialogue that is supportive and true I believe all other steps will be easy. I am going through the process of questioning each thought and determining if what I am thinking is true or just negative thinking. If it is true, does this thought support my goal of who I want to be? If yes, I keep it, if no then I determine I don't want that thought and figure out why it is a lie to myself. when I can disprove the lies it is easier to throw them out of my mind and start something new. It allows me to build up the positive within myself and help garner strength from within. in turn I can't fail if I won't let myself fail! There are just too many tools out there to help me get to where I need to be so how can I fail? If I want to know what others do I go to Youtube; if I want to see what diets are working for others or what meal plans are low carbs there is Yummly App or Uncle Google (he knows everything!). If I want to see a workout and how its done as I have never done it, again Youtube. Shopping lists = Google. food and exercise diaries = My Fitness Pal.

Making excuses of not knowing where to start is only wanting to fail, we all (or most of us at least.. LOL!) have common sense and internet access so saying you don't know where to start is only an excuse. You want advice?? Here it is, the biggest advice I or anyone else can ever give: It is in you to succeed, you just have to want it, chase after it and do everything you can to get it. There is no secret, there is no pill, there is no miracle, there is only your determination to want and have it and all that takes work!

Oh what an interesting and exciting journey this will be! I am glad you are here and hope you stay for the ride!

SW   447.8

LW   443

TW   438.8

DIF     -4.2
LTD     -9
TD %   2.01%

Flipping the switch

       As I sit here and write this I think of some Vlogs I did last summer ( not released to public) and after watching them I see and feel a big change with in me. I see that the sparkle and passion in my eyes are not the same as it is now. That fire is not lit within me yet; the words and drive is not in my voice; the switch with me has not been turned on yet.

The key to having weight-loss is within you. You have to want it more than anything, you have to believe in it and in yourself. For me something has just clicked in my opinion. My attitude has changed, I am not doing it now for others, even though I always had said I wasn't, I always said I was doing it for me; but now I truly believe it. I don't mean any offence and I do appreciate the support I get but I don't care what others say about the good job I am doing ( I never believed it before); but now I am believing in myself and the only person I am trying to please is me.  Don't get me wrong I want your support and encouragement it is just that I am the only one who can do this for my own life and health and I am finally believing in myself; in the last 10 years I never really did.

Letting go of my anxiety, stress, anger, resentment,  apprehension, fear of failure and just being afraid along with all other emotions that held me back and talked me out of achieving what I want has been instrumental thus far. As i said at the beginning of the year, this is my year for living without fear, to face why fears, the year of Scott Mac. I am just in the mind set of to hell with everything else, it is up to me to do this nothing and no one can stop me. If I have a fear of a set back and letting someone down by it.. oh well, this is not their life but mine. I am the one in control of it and the only person I need to answer to is myself.

I do know as long as I am me that certain people win or fail will support me, but I have needed to be my biggest supporter first, and I haven't been. I have been a poor excuse of a friend to myself and that is not who I am. I like to think I am a great friend to everyone I know, I have always been the type of person to go above and beyond for everyone and putting myself second fiddle (or third or fourth)! Well this is MY year and I am putting me first! I wake up thinking of how I will get my steps in and what healthy choices I will make today; and funny thing is, at the end of the day I think of the great healthy choices I made during the day and think of the good job in getting my steps in today and think of how i will do better tomorrow. I have not felt this way since 2004 when I had lost 160 pounds. I feel like I am back to that old self.. 12 years later I am taking those same steps again but now I am older, wiser and more determined to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I have seen the decline and slippery slope when you lose focus on yourself and you put it into other areas of your life over what is best for you. My excuse was work and pleasing people. I dived into a new job and put everything above taking care of myself and my health. I lost my focus on taking care of myself and my health and it cost me many years of health and happiness. I fell into the vicious cycle of depression because of my weight gain and turned to food as a crutch thus the cycle perpetuated upon itself and down the rabbit hole I went.

I believe this series of health tests and fears has woken me up, awoken the power with in me. Some call it the inner demon, some say it's my beast mode, there is always a term people use, but i say it is just me waking up and being a participant in my own life. I won't give it a name, it is me working and journeying to be who I really am.

I truly hope that these blogs and vlogs I put out there will one day help others to find that spark and fire from within. There is no secret to losing weight it just comes down to wanting it and going for it. Hard work will get the results you want, believe there are no miracles. I used to think if i just drink a Slimfast instead of a meal, all would be ok. I would also think, hey this bag of chips is ok because I ate salad with dinner so I must be eating healthy and now I deserve a treat. I see now that this was just fear of failing so I sabotaged myself. I set myself up for failure knowing that I would fail anyway so it was never a shock when I did fail. I accepted failure and that I was meant to be overweight. What a crock of shit.

Strength comes from within when you have the belief in yourself that your are more than the parts you see in the mirror. Strength from knowing that you will falter but you can rise above it when you pick yourself up and try harder. Failure is not failing, it is learning what works and what doesn't. When I see my failures I try to learn where I failed so I can change the results the next time I try. i try to find a way to improve on what I did to get the results I want to have. I know I will falter, and I accept that. I know i will have set backs and that is ok because each timeI will pick my self up and move forward. I will keep going until I reach that destination I want to be at; and when I get there I will fight everyday to stay there. You should too!

Everyday I am finding my journey to me, what are you doing to find yours?

1 week down... The rest of my life to go..

So here we are again, another week has gone by and life carries on.

Last week I did ok with my steps: 40918 steps in 7 days; it should have been better i know however one day I had taken Tabitha to the doctor and the appointment went longer than we would have liked and I ended up not getting as many steps I should have that day and then yesterday I watched football all day.. Go 'HAWKS! So although it was not 10,000 a day (average 5845) I know it could have been better, and it will be. 

I had gone to the see the Endocrinologist last Friday to get the results of all my tests that I was subjected to over a course of 6 to 8 weeks; blood tests for diabetes, pituitary gland, thyroid, cholesterol, testosterone, white blood cells,  and so forth. There were taking about 8 viles of blood per visit at the lab and one time had me pee in an orange "pail" for a 24 hr period.

Well I got the results...
Apparently I am the epitome of good health.. albeit I do have a high level/extreme level of Sleep Apnea and am overweight, all other results were "excellent" according to Dr. C. 
We talked in depth on those issues and some exercise he would like me to do as well as some results he would like to see come July when I see him next.

He asked that I no longer eat bread and that I lower my carbohydrate intake so that I can go into Ketosis. Here is the definition I found, please click on it for a link to more information:

"Ketosis is a metabolic process that occurs when the body does not have enough glucose for energy. Stored fats are broken down for energy, resulting in a build-up of acids called ketones within the body.

Some people encourage ketosis by following a diet called the ketogenic or low-carb diet. The aim of the diet is to try and burn off unwanted fat by forcing the body to rely on burning fat for energy, rather than carbohydrates"

I have to admit I was nervous going in to see him, who wouldn't be when you have to go through such an arduous task of needles and blood draining, poking and prodding (I think they are all vampires!).

So it was quite a relief when he said that I am fine I just need to lose some weight. To me it is a second chance to do things right before my health goes south! Sure I am in fine health according to the Doc but there is a reality to this all; I'm 42 (43 in July), overweight, live a mostly sedentary life, and I have severe Sleep Apnea thus I am a prime candidate for a heart attack. 

One of my greatest fears is having a heart attack in my sleep and have Tabitha (my wife) wake up to find me dead beside her. Sure maybe she can give CPR or have a paramedic there in time to save me but how will they carry me? I can well imagine if my muscles, bones and joints hurt me because of my weight then how can I expect others to lift me onto a gurney or move me to the floor to give me chest compressions?

So as I said this is a new chance for me to get it right before its too late. I am trying to stay positive and just deal with 1 pound at a time and not so much get overwhelmed with the reality of over half my body weight needs to go. I believe Tabitha is also wanting to make some changes in her habits to support me and make her feel healthier too and I love that she supports me so well with my struggle. 

When grocery shopping on Saturday I was very conscious of my purchases and their carb contents. I like to think we have planned out some healthier meals and options for this week as well. Don't get me wrong we don't, in my opinion, usually buy crap/junk as Tabitha is a vegetarian and we both prefer healthy wholesome ingredients and try not to have much of any processed items, but sometimes we buy an indulgence or something that is questionable however this time everything was subject to the carb and health review.

I am looking forward to February as this is when I have decided I will join Pure to work on my fitness and avoid the slippery snow and frozen fingers. Although I do find walking in the snow with fingers freezing comforting from when I had lost the 160 lbs back in 2004. just wish it never came back with its friends!

Everything is about seeing the positive and the opportunity in things and this is my opportunity to shine, to get my shit together and be healthy. This is my chance to be healthy, I own this opportunity. I won't be stopped because I refuse to let myself beat myself and be a failure at being me.  It just takes one step in front of another, it is never about the destination but the journey, and every journey starts with a single step.

It makes me nervous writing the following down but as I said last couple posts, this is the year of me and confronting the fears.(I am sure it must have something to do with being made fun of when I was in school 25 - 30+ years ago, but I need to let it go, if anyone is angered or upset and uses their words for negativity on it then it truly shows who they are and how they must put others down in order to feel better about them selves.)

SW       447.8

TW       443.0

LOSS    -4.8   

%         1.1%

Go Seahawks!

Taking the Plunge... Determinations Part 2

*** UPDATE *****

I just thought I would offer a brief update from my last post.

Polar Dip plunge is completed. It was quite exhilarating! I very briefly thought i would chicken out as we pulled into parking lot but as I mentioned previously I am going to face my fears head on, or do my best to challenge them this year. There were hundreds of people gathered, laughter and excitement in the air and for me personally a sense of awe and intrigue. I had never done anything like this but have always wanted to. It felt good doing something for me and I am damn proud of it! I look forward to doing it again next year, hopefully I will have some company to go into the lake with me but if not, oh well. Just so you know the lake was around 5 celsius according to the radio station and the air temperature was around minus -8 celsius. 

Here are some pics that I am happy and proud to share and have experienced.

Can you spot me in these 2 pictures?

The following collage is inspiring to me because I can see he blankness in my eyes before I go into the lake then afterwards I see the glimmer of life as i wake.

My loving wife and family came out to support. :)

I'm loving and hating these pictures.. Hating them because I see myself and the project i have before me. Makes me feel overwhelmed; but I love the fact that I did it and that I see myself starting to be an active participant in my own life.

I love this photo! I see life behind my eyes as I wake up from the slumber of my life..

My next journey is coming although I have yet to decide what it is I will face. 

I will say though that while i have only hit my step goal once so far this year (goal is 10,000  steps a day) I have been 25% closer to it than i usually am! I average 35,000 a week or 5000 a day but thus far i average 7400 a day; time to kick this up a notch I'm thinking...

Don't let yourself get yourself as only you can determine your own outcome. 

Only good things to come this 2016 year!

2016 is a book in my life, it has 12 chapters and 365 pages.. what I decide to write in this book is 100% up to me so I am going to make it a damn good one!