Oh what a week it was..

Good morning my friends!

It was a pretty good week this week for exercise.
Last weekend my brother came to town for a visit and on Sunday, after my last post with you all; he and I went golfing at Sumac Ridge Golf Course. It was a 9 hole par 3 course and to be honest it totally kicked my ass.

We should have been more conscientious when the lady behind the counter suggested a golf cart for us to rent; but we thought she was just trying to up sell us as well as we thought it must only be for the older folks that live in the Okanagan, it's a par 3 after all! We passed on the idea and said " we could use the exercise, after all we had been to plenty of par 3 courses in the Lower Mainland of BC how bad could 9 holes be?

Well, you know it is going to be one of those days when you haven't even reached the first tee box and you have lost a ball... I purchased 6 golf balls for the day  (6 or $5.00) and dropped one and it went down the winding walkway to the parking lot, it was a lost cause trying to go an catch it so I carried on.

I tee off and the first ball goes in the pond.. oh great, that must be my mulligan, so I tried again... SPLOOSH .. SH*T! .. Third ball in the faraway.. and we are off to the races. That bad spot is behind us.

Second hole.. Splash .. 2nd mulligan taken.. Sploosh.. D^MN IT! 2 holes down and down to 1 ball. Such a long day coming up...

Off to the 3rd hole.. (the picture on the right) .. no water.. YAY!

Then the 4th hole...

Hard to tell from the above picture but you are only seeing part of the 100 foot drop between the Tee box where I took this picture and the green way up at the top of the picture. Let's just say I ended up getting some golf balls from my brother. I decided just to take a drop from near the hole, i wasn't going to bother re-hitting.

This is the walk way BRIDGE to get to the green on 4.

Such a long day coming... 

Then we start on the "back 9" the holes hidden from view. 

OH MY GOD!

We keep hitting down hill but the greens are onto of hills at the bottom of hills. .. what kind of cruel torture is this? Three holes in a row go down hill only means the last 2 go up... and up big.. why oh why did we not get a cart? 

You know when a hole has a switchback on the cart path way it is pretty steep, plus did you notice the drop off if you bounce off the green??? What the Hell?!!!!

Now while all this self induced torture was great exercise, it was a quiet day so we took our time to enjoy the stunning views of Lake Okanagan. So much beauty here in The Okanagan, shhhhhh don't tell anyone, I want it all to my self now before the summer crowd comes and BC's wine country explodes!

Above is one of my buddies on the course, Mr Marmot, laughing at me. Oh well all in fun.

I  won't bother with the score of the game, Stuart one, I lost, I am sore, winded and drenched in sweat. Ah good workout.. That night I went to the hockey game with my brother in law.. GO VEES GO.. and by the end of the day I had hit my goal target of over 10,000 steps. YAY!!! it was the first time since the cruise I hit my daily goal, 

I have been close several times but not hit it since! i was so proud! During the work week I don't get as much excesses as I would like but that will change I am sure as it gets lighter out later in the evening. 

On Saturday I finally got around to taking the car in to get my winter tires off and the oil changed; so I drop the car off at 9:15am and instead of getting a shuttle back to the house I decide to walk home, I need my excercise and it was a beautiful day. 

Spring is so nice here in Penticton, it is usually dry, and cool enough to only need a sweater, so away I walked. 

At the end of the day I hit my steps again! Twice in 1 week! I am so happy, I feel like progress is being made and I wasn't that sore when I finished my walk (though my knee was giving out by the end of the day I did feel good!).

When you have so much to lose, in regard to weight, it can be such a daunting task; so I hold on the fact that it is these little victories that can keep me on track. I am learning to let go of the bigger picture in a sense to focus on the smaller picture. In doing so eventually the picture will zoom out again and I will see the changes I am making and the victories I have accomplished. In this end i will see myself as who I want to be; a healthier, more focused and more active me.

One day in the not too distant future I will see my own physical changes; i don't mean the one more notch in on the belt or slightly looser clothing, I mean the shirt and pants that are too big. The wardrobe that has to be given up in place for smaller one. I look forward to the day of being able to sit down with my legs together not having to feel my stomach force them apart or feel my stomachs weight push down on my thighs to the point of losing feeling when I sit in one position for too long. Yes, this is some of what I go through as an obese man. I don't wish this on anyone, and I don't want any of you to think it is acceptable to neglect yourself to the point you are depressed and hateful of yourself like I have felt. These little moments of victory give me hope and renew my desire to get healthy again. They inspire me to dream not of the "What if..." but rather the "When I.." 

It is those moment that will help this struggle I have inside me, I have no one to blame but myself for getting here, and at the same time i have only myself to give credit to in getting out of this dark place. While I do have an amazing wife who supports me in this journey, only I can walk these steps, only I can see where the finish line is and the obstacles infant of it, only I know my limits, only I can find this journey to me..

May this week be full of wonderful things to all of you.

On a side note I would like to note the passing of Carl Tymm just a short time ago. He was a fellow of the Craft and Shriner like me (he was last year's President of the Penticton Shrine Club), he had a brief fight with Cancer and will be missed. While I have not been a shriner for even a year as of yet and had only met Carl a handful of times I recognized his spirit and dedication to what Shriners do for kids. he was the embodiment of what a Shriner is and does. I feel that we Shriners who knew him are better off because of it as he inspires making a difference in helping kids.

A Life with Respect not Regret

Good morning!

I was going to talk about the "Dark Ages" of my life that I feel have driven me back to food thus my weight issues coming back but I have decided not to.

It is not that I don't want to share it with you it is more that I don't want to give it life again.  It is all in my past and I must learn to accept my past and know that there is nothing I can do about it. It happened, I can't change the past, and to let it have air is to let it win. 

For those whom never have read my old blog I will give you a brief synopsis and then not mention it again (or atlas try not to) after this post.

I was just coming out of a break up and living in a remote part of BC; I met a manipulative abusive woman ("Bonnie S" ) from Kelowna (on one of my visits) who made me question everything about who I am and all my life's choices due to the fact that I was lonely and wanted to be in a relationship again. She saw my weakness and over the next year convinced me I was someone I am not and tried to control and ruin me much like she had done to her own 3 children "Braydon, Boedy and Brighton". 

I escaped her evil after she literally threatened to "cut off my head and bury me in a shallow pit"; (all because I drove her "friend" home from the bar (of which she had invited out and said I would giver her a ride afterwards) at this point I was done, I was scared and I had alienated my family, so I walked with the help of an officer friend, Constable W. 

I left all my belongings behind (including my Ford Explorer) and hopped on a bus to take me far away never to see or hear from her again. THANK CHRIST!

It was my choice to let her into my life and my choice to believe what she said. I own that. I also own that I control my own destiny and to let her words echo in my head now is the last thing I want. I am over it. I am taking back my life and I will not let that @#$% have any piece of me by making me  relive the past and miserable again. The controlling is stopped.

I don't want to relive the pain by rehashing it on here. To do that is to give someone else the power to control my life. F#*& that! Excuse my language but I am mad that I let myself be controlled and I am mad that I did not take control of my own life sooner. 

My life should not be about thinking of my own regrets. It is about living respected and dying regretted. I will do just that, by being the best person I can be; this is my journey in achieving that. It is a struggle and a learning curve for sure however it is my road that only I can navigate.

None of us can change the past and all of us have to accept that. It is not easy, but we have to let this "stuff" that holds us back from being true to ourselves go. It starts with forgiveness. Not an easy thing to do by any stretch of the imagination especially when there is so much to forgive. 

I forgive myself for letting my own self be controlled. I find it hard to forgive that woman for her actions and don't know if I ever can; however I forgive her for her actions to the extent that if she did not treat me the way she did and things went they way they did I may never have met Tabitha.  Now the hate I have, yes I said hate, has taken time and has been turning into feeling sorry for what she is and will be come. I know she will end up alone and unloved even by her own children. It is truly sad to know that such a despicable human has written the story of their own life with lies deceit. These lies will eventually close the door on a family dynamic that lacks trust, love and compassion. Gone will be the warmth of family and friendship and cold will be the life that surrounds her much like it does in her own heart. 

I love my life and I accept it for what it is.. experience in this thing we call life. Without these experience, no matter how painful, it would make us different people. Like I said I would never have met Tabitha and her amazing family. My experiences have given me strength in knowing that despite some major bumps I have come out on top. These experiences don't necessarily define me but they make up apart of who I am, it is the choices on how I react to the experiences that defines me. 

Due to my experiences i have learned:

• There isn't always good in everyone
• There isn't always bad in everyone
• Our path isn't set for us and who knows where each path will lead
• For every Dark moment in our lives there is a brighter moment just ahead
• Learning and letting go makes us stronger
• My family is strong and amazing
• Not to be afraid to face my past and question its reality

That last point is very important. I strongly recommend you all to find one moment in your past that bothers you and ask yourself "Does that moment define who I am?" - "Is this memory something that I want to hold on to as a positive in my life?" 

If you can't say yes to those two questions then ask yourself "Do I need to keep this crap in my life then?"

Think about it; then think about a lot of your memories that you feel hold you down and apply the same questions. You will be surprised at how you feel afterwards! (Be sure to physically write these incidents down and the answer to the questions you ask yourself about these events so that you have something to gauge your progress.) When you write this process down your mind is more convinced on its reality and in return you will feel the stress and pressure ease from the burden of being carried throughout your life. In turn you will forgive yourself for carrying them for so long.

Love you all!

Be good to each other and have a blessed week!

Life and Death.. and how I deal with it.

Good Sunday to you all..

This week I had a topic again all picked out; I even told you last week on what it was and what I was going to do; but life throws a curve ball every once in a while.

Last Monday we noticed that one of our two cats was not doing well; for a quick background story Tigger ( the cuddliest cat ever!!!) has been in end stage kidney failure for the last 6 years. He was actually given 1 year to live when first diagnosed; at which time we did all we could for him to the point of giving him some drugs that were at that point experimental. His health plateaued, never got better but little by little got worse. In the last year his weight started to drop, and in the last 4 months his weight dropped by 50%! We noticed he was changing dramatically last monday so we took him to the vet on Tuesday, we weighed out the options and the vet gave him some stuff to help him hydrate hoping that he would come out of the crash he was in, he got worse. he stopped eating and drinking and could barely stand on his own 2 days later, so on Friday at 3:30pm we said our goodbyes, surrounded him with all the love and tears as he slipped away to kitty heaven. The tears have slowed but still come out at certain moments during the days.. its never easy to say goodbye to a loved one of any species.

So I found myself along with Tabitha, using food as a stress relief all week. We both knew it too. For myself, it is about learning and acknowledging the moments of weakness and how I deal with stress, combined with my constant need to be the shoulder to cry on, the rock of support, the pillar of the walls to protect and comfort Tabitha. I put this on myself as I know I am one of those people who protect care for others that I love. I give all of myself before others, and I don't want to change this part of me, just how I do it is what I need to change.

I would give anything to stop any harm that comes to Tabitha, she is everything to me and I feel the pain that she has as well as my own grief over such a loving cat Tigger was. I encouraged and enabled bad eating habits during this week. I truly feel guilty for that; the week started off with a good walk after last weeks post, thinking that we should go for a walk every night this week after we get home and before dinner.. then our world began to crash. Tigger was Tabitha's baby, and I swear Tigger thought he was a human baby! You had to meet him to understand! He loved to cuddle and sitting on your chest as close to your face as possible just to nuzzle you. He had no issues showing his affection for Tabitha and to a lesser extent of myself.

I know it is one step to recognize the areas I need to work on and know that it is another to act upon those weaknesses. I figure this is now the time to start re-training my brain, especially as I/we go through this grieving process. They say losing a loved one is one of the most stressful times in someones life, so why not use this time in our lives as a positive to evoke change?

I truly believe that we all must go through some darkness in our lives in order to see the light. I will take this sad moment and turn it to a positive; I will use death to encourage life, and dedicate it to Tigger so that someday when life's tragedies come my way again, I will have the experience of grief with an alternate outlook of my own health and working through the pain without turning to food.

In life it s not about what life throws at us it is about how we deal with it. The way I dealt with it obviously hasn't been working so I need to change.

Okay enough for now I guess, so here are the numbers as best I can guess..

LW: -
TW: 430? ( my scale doesn't go past 415)
TGW: 240

Goals for Becoming Me

Good Sunday to you all!

I had a topic all picked out and of course, at the last second I am changing it. LOL!

I was going to talk about how I was working on confronting my challenges this past week and what they were; however as this is all in its own discovery phase I thought it would be best to declare clear goals I want to achieve, as I have already stated in the contract and by doing so I figured I should be more definite of specific goals.

So here goes:

Goal # 1 - Wave good by to the 400s  - hit the 399 mark

Goal # 2 - Be active with a daily routine of getting my daily steps in. - I want to be competitive with Tabitha who is killing it daily with her steps.

Goal # 3 - Not need a seat belt extender on an airplane ever again!  - It's funny .. I used to be very embarrassed to have to ask for one, now I'm not as embarrassed as it has occurred so many times however I am embarrassed that I am not embarrassed about it!

Goal # 4 - Go to Universal Studios and not be anxious about if I will fit on a ride (specifically the Mummy ride - last time, Nov 2009, the shoulder barnes would not lock in the all the way - so I had to exit the ride)

Goal # 5 - Sayanora to 300s - hit 299 mark

Goal # 6 - Be able to buy clothes at ANY store (be an XL size)

Goal # 7 - Own a suit or two - i will even let Tabitha pick out the colour/style

Goal # 8 - No more swelling / Edema on my legs - my right leg is like bag of water wrapped around my calf while my ankle is normal size

Goal # 9 - Go up any stairs without being out of breath

Goal # 10 - Fit in a restaurant booth (or chair with arms) comfortably

Goal # 11 - Inspire others to lose weight too!

Goal # 12 - Be fit and healthy enough to become a certified trainer - and work with people who truly need my help and are at a point in their life where I am right now as I right this.

Goal # 13 - Log my daily meals constantly for an entire month - then continue on as a life habit.

Goal # 14 - Farewell forever 200s

Goal # 15 - Do up an amazing before and after photo shoot - starting photo will be posted next week

Goal # 16 - Hit the point of Ketosis - Ketosis means that our bodies are using fat for energy. Ketones (also called ketone bodies) are molecules generated during fat metabolism, to do this i need to get my carbs down to less than 50 a day. 

Now these are just a some of my goals and as we go on this journey I will cross off the ones that have been achieved; I will also add new goals as we progress through this journey. 

Next weeks blog I will do the photo of where I started and start posting my SW, CW, LW and TGW (Starting Weight, Current Weight, Lost Weight, To Goal Weight).

If any of you have anything you would like me to post or have any questions about this journey I am taking please feel free to ask or comment here on my Blog.

FYI.. this week I was feeling positive and felt like one of my sweaters were looser fitting than normal. I admit though that nutrition wise I faltered and had too much carbs, there will be some weak days but overall I am conscious of this and will work ext a hard this week to limit the carbs. I want to hit that Ketosis and I know I can and will.

I am heading out for a walk so, until our next chat..Blessings to all of you!

The Contract

March 1st, 2015

Another week has gone by and the struggle continues. I don't really feel like blogging today, I am in a funk and feeling down, I didn't even want to get out of bed today but I am working at being accountable to myself and thus all of you in cyberland who read this. 

Last week I went through some blogs in search of some people who have similar stories to mine. I found some, skimmed them over and then saved them to my bookmarks for future reading; today i read one..

As I was reading this story, I realized his story is so familiar; it is a man whom has already lost the weight and continues to blog but his story echoes my own. His name is Tony, his blog is "The Anti-Jared", he is a Chef whom was at the same weight range I am currently at. His experience and thoughts are similar and I applaud his effort and hard work to get to where he is now.

After reading some of tony's stories I feel like it is contract day. by this i mean that I am going to make a contract with all of you, so here goes.

I, Scott Hamilton Macfadyen, do hereby acknowledge that my health is unacceptable, that being over 400lbs is unacceptable and I will be accountable to myself and thus all of you by logging on the interworldnetthingy my struggles, defeats and victories as I work to overcome my weight issues.

I will do this by:

1. Logging to you at least once a week 
2. Being completely honest with my struggles and choices
3. I will face my fears and anxieties that are associated with my weight and not run from the issue.
4. I invite anyone who reads this to honestly and sincerely call me out on anything they feel is questionable in my actions.

My goal is to be between 180-200 lbs and live a happy and healthy lifestyle all year round. I would love to tell you all my starting weight but I am sad to say that my scale only goes to 415lbs and i have not seen that number able to come up for a couple months so I am guessing and from this point on I will consider it to be 435lbs. ( I choose this number as I have been eating healthier since January 1st yet still have not seen this number not even briefly so i know i am not close but I feel like I am not too far from it either)

I realize nothing is overnight and this is a marathon not the 40 yard dash. I need to focus on me more and not worry so much about others as much as I do; I need to learn to love myself and take care of myself so I can truly care for and properly love others, and that is not easy for me!

I am trying to be my own motivation but I just don't know how, baby steps I know but it is just learning where to put my first foot before i go the next step. Is this the way I do not know but it is worth a try. 

Well that is it for today i think, maybe I can convince myself to go out for a walk.

Peace be to all...