19 Months Later ..

 Okay, so this is a bit of a time lapse here.

In the past 18 months my struggles have continued, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, more depression, unhealthy eating, limited recovery then depression, anxiety, panic attacks etc ; the vicious circle of never ending failure.

In these 18 months I also lost my mother (Jan 28th of this year) very suddenly.

I woke up on Friday Jan 25th at about 2 am to hear my mother yelling my name. My wife and I woke up and i rushed to see what was going on. "I think I am having a heart attack!" she told me, I called 911, the ambulance came, then the fire department, she went to the hospital and checked in to emergency.

The ER docs told me she was having a mild heart attack and asked her if she had any blood clotting issues or a family history of strokes as they had some meds that may cause a stroke in people who have a history of it. She said no, as did I ( I know on my dad's side of the family there is but not on my mom's.)
Mom was put on the blood thinners and moved to ICU. I visited with her on and off through the day and come after dinner time when i went to visit her I noticed she was slurring her words; I mentioned this to the nurse on duty and I was told she was just given 4 Gravol as she was not feeling well due to the meds so it was probably that. I visited with mom for a while and she was with it but at same time out of it as she would be talking normal conversation but randomly ask about the horses or other random things that i did not understand what she had meant, I chalked it all up to the meds. Before I left I asked the nurse to keep an eye on her as the conversation with her caused me some concern; he told me that if she was still slurring in an hour he would take her for more testing and call me to let me know.

I went home.

About an hour later, around 10:30 pm I received a phone call from the nurse, and my world changed dramatically. They took her for testing as she was still slurring and saying quirky things, and that is when he told me that mom has had a "devastating stroke" and they asked me to come back in. 

Tabitha and I rushed back to the hospital and the nurse showed me her brain scan, the stroke was massive, about the size of a fist putting pressure on her brain, forcing her brain to the right side of her head. They had already talked to the specialist at the hospital and then contacted another expert at a different hospital and both came to same conclusion, there was nothing they could do for her, it was caught too late.

We spent time that evening with mom, she was no longer able to hold her eyes open but could talk a little bit. She was told what had happened / was happening and that the best they could do was make her comfortable. We visited for a while then i went home.

Saturday came and Tabitha and myself, went to visit mom, she was no longer able to talk but could squeeze our hands as a yes or no or to just acknowledge she was there and aware. I, as we all did, tried to stay positive and kept mom company, talked to her etc. We left to go for lunch to find mom's brother Warwick and my cousin Laura showed up for a visit while we were gone for lunch and had a good visit. Upon our return I finally got to meet mom's doctor; she pulled us into a private room to discuss things with us, what had happened, what they were doing for her at that time and then asked me what they would like to do moving forward knowing the outlook of her situation is not good. I asked the usual expected questions about chance of survival if they are aggressive with treatment, what quality of life would she have if she was to survive etc. All the answers I received were all against mom's wishes, while there was a small chance for survival it would involve mom needing 24 care and her quality of life would be greatly diminished with no chance of making a full recovery. Mom always said she did not want to be hooked up to machines or be a burden for anyone to care for her in a 24 hour capacity. It was difficult to say the words that I needed to say but I had to say it, I had to tell them to make her comfortable as possible and to let nature run its course. This was a tough day. We visited with mom until about 10 pm and went home, but before I left i held mom's hand and told her I love her; she squeezed my hand back and mouthed the words I love you. this was the only instance this day that she tried her darnedest to speak.

Sunday came, mom was unresponsive, her breathing was shallow and she would randomly stop breathing for about 10 seconds then start again. My in-laws came to visit mom and it was quite somber day. We played cards on her bed meal tray thing and talked to her hoping she could hear us, we laughed and made jokes and tried to act like all is normal, she wouldn't want us to fuss over her. She no longer would squeeze your hand or be able to acknowledge anything going on. We spent all day there. Uncle Warwick and aunt Caryl came by for a visit, Dan and Trish came for a visit, Kevin and Sabrina spent the day with us. Around 10 or 11 pm I said let's go home, I just felt that mom was waiting for us to leave so that she could go and slip away into that gentle goodnight, she just didn't want a fuss made over her and I felt that she would pass once we were gone, that she was fighting to stay while we were there. So before we left I kicked everyone out of the room and kissed mom on the cheek and told her that I love her and that if she felt like she was ready to go and see dad or Stuart or grandma or grandpa to not worry about Tabitha or I, that we would be okay. I told her I love her and always will. I told her she was the best mother anyone could have asked for. I told her I love her one more time before I walked out that room door in ICU. Sabrina was weeping when i exited the room, she is a crier, and Tabitha looked upset and puzzled as to why I wanted to leave. I told Tabitha that I believed she was holding on and waiting for us to leave and I did not want her to fight anymore, that I wanted her to rest.

At 2:14 am on Monday Jan 28th I received a call, mom had passed.

It was a weekend that came and went in a flash yet was the longest weekend of my life, It went from what seemed to be a minor speed bump in mom's health to all out road wash out. My world had crumbled as I came to terms that I am the last of my family. I was sad and mad, mad at my brother for making me go through this without him. The one blessing I had directly after this loss was that in 10 days I had a cruise already planned (booked a year earlier); i still feel like mom planned it this way so that it didn't happen while on a cruise and that a cruise would ease my pain a bit afterwards even if for a brief time. 

The last lesson I learned from mom is to enjoy life with those you love while you can as you never know what tomorrow brings.

I love you mom.

Seasons of Change

Ok so it has be 5 months since my last post, I apologize but life seems to be getting in the way a lot as of late.

I have been lacking in motivation for a while, working out on a regular basis has been a struggle as I have been going through a period of self doubt and regret. The vicious circle of feeling like I will never reach my goal and that I am undeserving of success compounded by the emotional need to eat when feeling this way just perpetuates the situation. I have been a host of great intentions but have lacked the follow through.

Every week I say to myself " Time to start fresh!" then i can't drag myself out of bed. I am disappointed in myself and lack of effort and keep thinking "THIS is THE week to make a change" and yet each week passes me by with no real result. 

Now a real moment has come in my life and I feel like I'm at the edge of a precipice where I will fall without ever being able to get up, or if I move in a different direction perhaps I will find my footing on a field that opens up to new possibilities, but the problem is I can't see where my feet are in order to reach that opportunity.

This moment came on Friday October 13th, 2017 at 6pm when an officer came to my house looking for my mom who lives with my wife and I. That is when we were told my brother Stuart, had passed away from natural causes. Shock. Confusion. Disbelief. Heartbreak and heartache. Bewilderment.

I felt like I was in a dream and that none of it was real. I stayed strong for my mom whom I could not imagine the devastation she felt to find out her first born had died before her as no parent should hear the news of their child's death.

The weekend flew by and by the following Wednesday I was at his apartment trying to sort through the mess of what to keep and what to throw away from someone else's life. Life is a gift and we must take everyday and grasp it with two hands and be thankful for every moment  that we can share with our loved ones and friends. 

My brother was 47 years young, a smoker, overweight, had poor eating habits, a social drinker and lived a mainly sedentary life; all of which contributed to a coronary incident while he slept. This left me to pick up the pieces as I try to not let mom have the burden of this stress in her life. 

To me I have to see this as a true wake up call. I have to fight to live a long healthy life. 

The signs are all around me that I need to make a change in my life; and even though the pain of loss that I am going through right now has brought me down, I must forge through it. I must fight on. I must conquer once and for all this demon inside me that prevents me from being a success in my own life. This metal block that causes me to tumble and start over again must be removed. I don't want my wife and family to mourn my loss before I am ready to go. I want to be around for a long time and to enjoy many more sunsets in my life with those I love.

A new season in my life is about to begin.. 

Intensity, what is it and how do we go about getting it?

As part of a follow up on my last post I am looking into intensity and what it means to increase intensity of my workouts.

Intensity is the single most important variable in maximising the health benefits of exercise.

Take note, intensity NOT duration is the most important variable. We live in a volume obsessed physical culture. We value quantity of exercise over quality of exercise. This is a result of both a desperate clinging to outdated research of a bygone era and an aversion to departing from the comfort zone.

So what is intensity? The definitions are numerous. Laboratory bound Exercise Physiologists would use METS (metabolic equivalents), percentages of maximum heart rate, heart rate reserve, or VO2 max. All great lab based measures – but with real world limitations.

Intensity is the amount of work you do in a certain amount of time. How much load you move (whether it be your body weight or an external object), how far you move it, and how quickly you move it. Moving large loads, long distances, quickly.

Intensity is a relative term. If you move a larger load and longer distance, more quickly, you do more work. Your intensity is higher. For you… move the largest load YOU can, the longest distance YOU can, as quickly as YOU can.

Remember of course than intensity is inversely related to duration. The longer the duration, the less the intensity. Australians indicate that time is the biggest factor standing in the way of exercise. Intensity can simultaneously remove our biggest barrier to exercise, while increasing the health benefits of this exercise.

I also found this information:

Interval Training – This is quickly becoming the most popular “get fit quick, burn fat, and blast calories” form of training, and for good reason.  Interval training will not only challenge your body to work at a higher heart rate for short periods and boost cardiovascular fitness most quickly, but also have a lingering effect on calorie burn – upwards of 30%!  That means that after an interval training workout, you can burn 30% more calories than you would normally burn throughout the day.

The downside of interval training (and doing ONLY Interval training), is that you also burn more sugars (stored muscle glycogen) rather than fat during your workout.  Do too much interval training and you run the risk of burning that hard earned muscle.   Interval training consists of working at or above 85% of max heart rate for a period of time, followed by a recovery period at 60-70% of max heart rate.  You’ll know when you are at or above 85% max heart rate when you can longer breathe through your nose, and you actually have to breathe through your mouth.  For Interval Training, stick to 1-3x/week or 50% of your overall cardio training.

Steady State Training: - Here, you challenge your body to work just at or slightly below anaerobic threshold (roughly 75-85% of max heart rate).  Studies show that working here has a maximum effect on improving cardiovascular health and fitness.    The challenge in working at a steady state as compared to LSD or Intervals is this:  LSD is easier to maintain and generally feels good, where intervals are far tougher but only last a short while.  Steady state on the other hand is tough and the goal is to stretch the intensity out to 5-20 min bouts at a higher heart rate.  Challenge yourself to work Steady State Training 1-3x/week or 25% of your overall cardio training.

Most cardiovascular equipment pieces do a great job of providing examples of these three types of training.  So try a program and challenge yourself to vary your heart rate based on the parameters above.  Your cardiovascular fitness, fat-burning potential and overall health will thank you.

Obviously not everyone's needs and requirements are the same so we are all self responsible to find what works for ourselves. This is a learning process for me as i try to find the results I am wanting on this journey to finding me. I hope you take the time to figure out what works for you as well. 

Small Steps to Make a Big Gain

I am so happy with some of my progress at the gym; while I am still learning so much about myself, my health and where I am at and how to get to where I need to be I am also setting personal records of feats of strength I did not know about.

I am getting quite addicted to doing the leg press at the gym and seeing where my legs are at for strength. I started off originally at around 200 pounds and have consistently upped the weights pushing myself for bigger goals and seeing what I can do. Only once since this began have I felt the inevitable leg burn from a strenuous work out on my legs when doing the leg press in particular.

That burn came when I did the 750 leg press at 3 sets of 10 a few weeks ago. 

This week I increased the weight, and was a bit worried it was too much after what i felt last time; I had increased it to 790 pounds. I was nervous so I texted my brother in law at 5am to tell him I was about to attempt it. He sent his words of caution and encouragement. 

I started off that morning doing my usual routine of different weights for different muscles and as per usual I like to finish with the leg press. I warmed up with 630lbs, 3 sets of 10 with no problem so I added on 2 x 45 pound plates and went to 720lbs, again with no problem.

A young girl had just walked into the gym as I was finishing off the 630 pounds; in the mirrors i noticed she was watching me add the new plates as she took up the leg extension machine beside me. I did my sets of 720 and she moved off to the squat area to do her thing; I suspect she was warming up and waiting for me to finish with either the leg press or the weight plates which is when I went to add more another 2 plates - 35 pounds each as I had already used up all the 45 plates on my machine. 16 x 45lbs plates to be exact. 

Now at 790 pounds, my heart racing and I was drenched in sweat, I texted my brother in law Dan whom I knew was already at work (the pool business in the Okanagan requires him to do some long hard days) to let him know of my feat to come. I got in position took a deep breath, pushed up with my legs to release the safety guards. The weight was huge, I could feel it that is for sure, but it was not causing me to tremble at all with fear of my legs giving out or inability to do the weight I had set up. I lowered my leg and then began the inevitable push to get my legs into the pull extension again. I let out a deep grunt as I began to push, I was confident though that I could do it. 

1 rep, 2 reps, 3 reps  I carried on until I reached 10, WOW I thought to myself, I was impressed I was able to do this but the question was, can I do it again? So I tried again.. and succeeded. Before I could do my 3rd set I remembered to video tape it with my phone.  I noticed as I was video taping the movement and being sure to get the shot with the weights and my legs extending that the girl who came in had stopped briefly to watch me do the weights; she stopped even if it was a brief moment before she started, to see me do the huge feat. To me this was the first time that I noticed someone stopping to look at me for a good reason, not because of my size and weight but rather because i just did something that a lot of very healthy people who are at the gym regularly would have trouble with. 

So many times I have set myself with small goals in pushing weights in all muscle groups not just legs and have achieved the weights I set myself up for. I am very proud of those achievements so far and I look forward to continuing with but I want to set a very lofty goal for my legs for the end of the year. I want to set a goal of 1000 lbs for a leg press. I really don't know if I can do that, it may be too lofty, I can say though that I will not risk my health to achieve it though because if i feel my legs are at the breaking point or in danger of serious harm I will not attempt it, I just want to have something to work towards.

Cheering on the METs !!

So a couple weeks ago my FitBit Charge bit the bullet and had disintegrated; I had crazy glued it a few times already but it was at the point where it was pretty much unsalvageable so my wife and my mom decided to get me a new FitBit that I was eyeing up, the FitBit Blaze Gun Metal Series.

First of all I love this thing, it is awesome. I love the features especially the heart rate monitor. So I went to the gym this week to take it for a test spin. I had a kick ass work out and was drenched in sweat by the time I was done. I set a new personal record for leg press at 750 lbs, I felt alive and good with no soreness in my legs or anywhere else when done the session. As per usual I write in my log book all my work out routines including weight and reps and on which machines. I get back to the car afterwards, load up some pics and video from the gym then look at my app for fitbit on my phone and make sure that my workout synced to my phone. The app did its little thinking thing while it synced and I monitored the progress bar until it was at 100% and the thinking/waiting icon was gone. My step count matched but I noticed that my minutes were way off; I was at the gym for over an hour but I only had 10 mins of tracked exercise, WHAT THE POTATO!

So I clicked on the FitBit help for active minutes and read what it had to say because something had to be wrong as I should have at least 60 mins logged! I proceed to read about metabolic equivalents aka METs.

This is what I found: 

Your Fitbit tracker recognizes and awards active minutes when the activity you're doing is more strenuous than regular walking, which includes everything from a brisk walk to a cardio workout or run. HOW DO I EARN ACTIVE MINUTES? All Fitbit trackers calculate active minutes using metabolic equivalents (METs). METs help measure the energy expenditure of various activities. Because they do so in a comparable way among persons of different weights, METs are widely used as indicators for exercise intensity. For example, a MET of 1 indicates a body at rest. Fitbit trackers estimate your MET value in any given minute by calculating the intensity of your activity. You earn active minutes for activities at or above about 3 METs.  To stay in line with the Center for Disease Control's (CDC’s) “10 minutes at a time is fine” concept, minutes are only awarded after 10 minutes of continuous moderate-to-intense activity. You can view the CDC’s recommendations on the CDC website. If the same activity gives you active minutes one day and fewer active minutes the next day, remember that the intensity of exercise is key. Often what seems like the exact same amount of effort over the same distance in fact differs slightly enough to change your active minutes total. DO I EARN ACTIVE MINUTES IF I MANUALLY LOG AN EXERCISE OR ACTIVITY? For most manually logged activities, Fitbit uses a standard MET score and your (optional) calorie burn to calculate active minutes. High calorie burn activities award more active minutes. Since custom activities don't have a MET score associated, you'll only get active minutes for them if you also log a high calorie burn. HOW DO I ACHIEVE MY ACTIVE MINUTE GOAL? By default, you are given a starting goal of 30 active minutes a day based on the CDC recommendation of 20-30 minutes of daily moderate-to-intense activity. You can always change your active minutes goal to meet your personal needs. Trackers with heart-rate sensing do a better job of recognizing active minutes for non-step-based activities, such as weight lifting, strenuous yoga, and rowing. If your tracker doesn't have heart-rate sensing, your active minutes will be lower for non-step based activities. The more calories you burn the higher your MET value, so therefore the more calories you burn the higher your total active minutes. Assuming you're active for at least 10 minutes at a time, green spikes on your calorie graph typically indicate that you’re earning active minutes.

When I read this it felt like a light went on in my head. I know I have put in the time at the gym and not seen the results I wanted but now it makes sense, my intensity has not been where it needs to be, while I was doing well at getting exercise I wasn't pushing myself enough. I need to amp up the intensity, limit the time of breaks between sets; I need to keep that heart rate up at a higher number while I work out.  

I wish I knew this sooner but I am glad I know this now, I may be overly optimistic but I now feel like this was one of the final keys I have needed to unlock the doors to finding me, unlocking the door to finally achieve the weightloss and health I desire.   

So as far as I understand it I was at 3+ METs for 10 mins during that workout, I now feel like I am focused on adjusting what my routine is, to help me achieve the METs goal I have set for myself of 60 minutes. I am working at achieving this now with going back to starting my work out with at least 30 mins on tread mill and then going straight to the weight machines and logging the reps and weights afterwards. I will also minimize the rest between sets, sometimes I just play with my phone and post something on Instagram while I rest between sets, enough of this! My posts can wait until the workout is done.

I will hit my goal as I am always trying to tweak and improve and am not giving up on myself, this journey is all about learning and moving forward.

Finding Failure from Within

I have been away from the blogging and posting for the last month as I was just not in the right headspace. As we all know this journey is not an easy one; it is easy to make excuses, stress is my biggest reasons for setbacks; apparently I don't always handle stress well.  

When stressed I tend to sneak food, usually when driving to/from work, I make excuses why sleeping in is more important than getting out of bed and conquering the day. I fear failure where I used to face failure and take on the challenge as a source of honour and achievement no matter the results. Even now I have those days where I get excited about pushing myself and facing failure or conquering that which I doubt myself on but those days seem to be not consistent enough anymore.

I try to think of  when and where things changed for me and it is not easy to place as I have to analyze everything I have achieved and done but more importantly I have to pinpoint when I first felt like I failed. When I do this I come to the realization it was a series of missteps starting in 2003; some personal missteps that I thought I had worked through but now I am realizing I just denied the facts and focused on other things. 

I focused on everything else mentally and physically. I read and followed through with many Dr. Phil books from Self Matters to Life Strategies to Ultimate Weight Loss Solution books, and these books helped me tremendously in all areas except where I needed to focus. I lost weight, I gained better understanding of myself and those I interact with. I gained insight on to how and why I do things but I never focused truly on my self sabotaging behavior that got me to where I am. 

Anyone who knows me knows that I hate to disappoint anyone close to me, I know it happens to everyone once in a while due to situations beyond our control or by our control and I have always felt like I am a person who would walk to the ends of the earth, through burning coals to make sure I do not disappoint anyone, Then when I realized I failed at this I started living in denial and never really owned up to it and this has affected me in so many ways that I am only now realizing it.

To make amends I am starting now by saying to everyone whom I may have crossed the wrong way: I apologize for being an a$$hole, for not facing my self doubts and for causing any harm. 

In turn I would also like to add that: I forgive everyone whom ever took advantage of my kindness and generosity; anyone who used me for their own gains despite any recourse thrust upon me. I forgive you for being an a*#hole. Even the person who was the cause of the dark ages in my life.. heck some people are just evil and I will not let their negativity drag me down all these years later.

Forgiveness is a key to moving forward and although I know that after all the years gone by that an apology will never be read by whom it is to as they are far from my life and I have no idea where they are, the apology isn't for them, it is for me. Sometimes we need to cleanse our mental state by clearing out the trash that has bogged us down, and that is what I am doing here. It may sound corny and weird and it probably is but I have never said the words and I need to forgive myself in order to move forward.

I think of since this moment I have had limited success in my life with career and relationships. Yes I have an amazing wife whom I love and adore but the journey to meeting her was long and had some dark times. The same can be said to my career as I have sad many bad jobs in the pursuit of finding the good ones and when I have found a great one I have self-sabotaged and moved on from it as I have not deemed myself worthy. 

I hold myself accountable for my implosions and thus my ballooning weight over the years, and really, who else can I blame? I need to forgive myself now for letting myself down; and this is now my struggle to build my own trust back up again.I need to learn to believe in myself and believe I am worth believing in. I need to believe that I can achieve, I can be successful and I can be my own champion.  This request will be tough I know as I am not ready to forgive myself and I am not ready to believe in myself.

It is always true that we gain strength from our failures but it is also true you must acknowledge them first before getting that strength. It can also be said that everything happens for a reason, I believe this wholeheartedly, because each action and interaction shapes who we are and where we are headed. 

I would not be where I am or who I am today if it were not for my trials and tribulations that I have faced in life. I am thankful for every trial and tribulation I have had that has helped me meet Tabitha, she is the most amazing loving woman I have ever met. She gives me strength when I am weak, she gives me confidence in everything I do, and some days I just don't know what I did to deserve her in my life. I need to be this way for myself as well and that is where I am currently struggling.

A Year From the Day.. April 5th 2016

This past 365 days have been quite the journey.

One year ago today I was hit from behind and since then I had struggled with physical health issues; I have been through Post Concussion Syndrome (PCS) I have lost momentum in progress only to slowly get it back again. I have had almost as many set backs as I have steps forward and have found myself almost right where I have started. 

It has been a year of internal reflection and growth to say the least, and I knew that there would be setbacks and I have tried to use it wisely. I have worked at trying to fix my internal dialogue in regards to how I see my choices and why I make them. 

I have really focused on my eating choices trying to choose better, cook and eat cleaner and just make healthier more of a daily occurrence in my diet plan.

I have worked on being more clear and decisive on my words and actions. I have tried to make the gym apart of my life again when I was finally allowed to go back after the accident. I have tried to be very intune with what my body can handle and tried to improve my strength and cardio.

All these steps have come with some steps back too as not everything comes out roses and rainbows. Flu bug, set backs in health recovery, moving my in-laws and mother (they swapped living places). some PCS symptoms returning, and general life getting in the way. 

I have gone in several weeks of trying to build a habit only to fall off the wagon afterwards. (and FYI it takes more than 3 weeks to build a habit in my opinion!!)  

And with all this up to this point in time, being exactly a year from the day I now find myself not only in the same spot I was but with more added baggage to myself. Anxiety, stress, headaches, sleep issues, mild dizziness and in one instance blacking out almost to the point of passing out (this happened on a day where we were moving mom and the in-laws and  ended up having skipped eating dinner and it was about 8 hours since my last meal - i am currently being very mindful to see if this happens again and I will seek immediate medical help).  

I learned this last year that I can live my life in a healthier way and not feel like I am missing anything. I have learned that I don't need food to comfort my emotions when feeling down but I still struggle with it. I learned that I do have secret meals which I am working on stopping when i catch myself doing it. I am learning to trust in believing in myself again. I have learned that I have strength in my legs that is incredible (- have I mentioned my 700 pound leg press yet?). I have learned that no matter what life has thrown at me I still get up and face the day and can conquer it when i apply myself.

I have learned that:

I am

I can

I will

All of these "I"s are apart of believing in the change that is growing inside me. 

The Path on Your Journey Isn't Easy, It's a Struggle

Everyone's journey leads to different paths, and these paths always reach cross roads to which decisions must be made. For good or bad and lack of information of what lies ahead we must make a choice on each cross road we encounter. 

There comes a point on this path when we realize do we continue on this path even though it has led me to some not so great events but I have covered so much ground, do I really want to forgo it all and give up on what I have done thus far? Or, we decide that this path I am on is filled with crap and I want a fresh start and new perspective because this path has led me to where I am at now?

This is not just about a weightloss journey but also about life in general, we need to assess each path we take on this journey and decide if we will continue on the path we are on despite it being good or bad or if we will try something less ventured and not be afraid to switch it up at a moments notice. 

For me I feel like I am at a crossroads in many areas of my life; clearly the paths I have taken on this journey have not been as fortuitous as I would have liked yet it has not all been thorny trails and grey skies. I am always saying and trying to view everything as having the right thinking and working at fixing what is broken. That is the beauty of taking an active part in your own journey though, you can change paths, you can reroute yourself and alter the crossroads you come across; you don't have to be defined by every step or choice you make, 

And although sometimes I feel like I am too old to change the journey or to go back to a crossroad and explore a new route the truth is as long as I can put one foot forward in front of the other I can never be to old to try, never to old to change the journey I am in. 

Sure I get frustrated with my progress some days, or beat myself up when I miss a day or more at the gym in a week. It is natural to falter when on new paths or go back to a path that was easy and comfortable. The struggle to forge ahead on something new is a heavy challenge that fills you with doubt and to stay on the path you must forgo fear and anxiety about the what ifs and whys. I struggle with this doubt a lot; I struggle to gain confidence in what I do despite accomplishments. I struggle with staying on the path when the path well travelled is right there and easy to take. I struggle with keeping myself accountable for my health. 

What I can say is when I struggle with the doubt of which path to take, or to forge a new one, I think about it long and hard, I see the positives and negatives on both sides and usually what happens is I get pissed off. I get so pissed off that I end up saying "F---- This!" and go blazing across a new path not letting anyone stop me until I reach where I want to be. To me it is realizing that you are letting a moment control you and letting the self doubt win, letting the safe route be the way to go, letting your emotions of safety and security be what controls you; then realizing that the true power is within me and not caring what others think. 

I remember in JR High I felt ostracized, I felt like I just did not fit in anywhere, I was over-weight, I was a weirdo, I was shy and awkward, I struggled. One day it just popped into my head, "who cares what others think or where I fit in,?"; from that moment on I didn't care about where I fit in or how I fit in with life of a teenager. I knew I would likely never have any real bonds with anyone from JR high or high school, I would not let those thoughts and feelings of being an outcast control me and that my life was not yet defined.

Once that moment was defined for me my grades improved, my attitude improved and I felt like I could not be stopped. The same in my work career, I came to a point where I realized I was someone else's pawn and puppet. When I realized this I took control of my situation, i got mad at myself  and then strived to come out from that shadow, to not be a pawn, to not be someone who will be walked on and been made into the sacrificial lamb at others expense. I pushed and forged my way to break out from that mold, I rose to the occasion of being the "go to" guy the leader others turned to when needed. 

Now for me, the point of this blog today is realizing yet again that this path is in front of me and I am starting to get mad at having put myself in that situation. I am unsure as to when the anger at the situation will come out but I can guarantee you it is coming and this Phoenix will rise from the ashes and a new path will be blazed from the fire inside of me.

By the Numbers

So here we are in March, and I know I said that I would weigh myself officially this month to see my progress but...

The closer I get to the middle of the month the more standoffish I have become towards my weight. I don't want a number to define me nor will it, I have unofficially weighed myself and the numbers are definitely less than where I once was, am I where I want to be right now,? NO, am I proud of my accomplishment so far?, HECK YEAH!

I still struggle with consistency and building a routine to get back into the daily life that I want and am working on. I, much like a lot of others, have struggled with consistency in going to the gym and it is one of my main focuses. Yes, I put myself through the 21 day challenge to go to the gym, after 10 days  straight I took a day off then started a routine of one day off a week. I did this for about 5 weeks, then life got in the way. I would feel sick one day and skip a day, or I would just be up too late the night before and skip the next morning workout, then I would tweak a muscle in my lower back and skip a few more days. 

These are not excuses, I should find the time no matter what if I believe myself to be worth the effort, and I usually do believe in myself to be worth it. Sure I have down days like everyone else, and I know those days are the days I need to go the most. I have felt guilty every time I did not go to the gym when I knew I should of, I also feel guilty not being apart of a normal life, after all who the hell wants to get up at 3am to go to the gym?

I am working to find that work/life healthy balance, and at times I feel like I sacrifice the part of going to the gym to do something else. I want to be able to stay awake long enough to curl up with my wife and see a movie at 8pm and not be falling asleep. I want to be awake and conscious when my wife and I decide to go out and see a comedy show at the pub and not feel like I am struggling to stay awake until 9pm when the main act comes on.

At the same time I love the fact that I can Leg Press 700 lbs, that I can do nearly 200 lbs in Pectoral Flys or 200 lbs in Seated and Low Rows. I love pushing myself to see where I am at and what more I can do, it can be quite addicting when you realize what your body is truly capable of when you push yourself. I also love the feeling and love noticing changes in my body; feeling and seeing my shoulders and arms get bigger is quite the narcissistic thing to do but I'm not doing it in a negative way but more of a recognizing an accomplishment. I am achieving. 

Wrestling with Weakness and Self Doubt

This past month or so I have had a few people tell me I inspire them; it is very humbling to be told this. While I appreciate the compliment that I inspire people (and I am very glad that I do that for others), I can't help but feel that I am not in a place mentally to be ready for that inspiration for others.

I am not trying to change people's minds or anything, it is just that I don't see being an inspiration in myself enough right now. I know I have lost some weight but could I have lost more, yes; do I still struggle with food and nutrition, yes; do I still struggle with the will to exercise daily, yes (although this struggle is weakening).

My belief in myself and in this journey, for me, is just starting to grow, and while my efforts in a cleaner and healthier living has been getting stronger, I falter with some indiscretions: I still find myself snacking on the wrong things at times, I take it easy on my workouts at times (I know I don't always give it my full effort), I still struggle with trying to understand and conform to the food macros I need to be at ( I need to cut back on my carbs).

 I know life is full of struggles and I am sure I represent the average  problems and struggles of and overweight person, so in that respect I am happy that I am connecting with people and they can associate my struggles with theirs. That is the purpose of this blog for others to realize they are not alone in the struggle, it is just weird though to have someone say that my efforts inspire them.

We all have to start somewhere, we all have a struggle we deal with, we all have a weakness we try to improve; this is how we grow as an individual, by working on what limits us. I am no different as I am on this journey for change and growth as I want to be much more than I feel I am. I need to change my mental state and am working on the self belief.

I am very glad and honoured to be an inspiration to others, I am just trying to be an inspiration to myself most days. It is an innate feeling and action to expect more from myself and I am learning to find that balance of expectation and reality but it is hard right now for me to give myself praise of effort when I have so much farther to go and do not have the results I am looking for.

I know I must stay positive and focus on my successes as the rest will come in time.

I am proud at my streak of food logging for nearly 60 some days straight.
I am proud of my actions of going to the gym for at least 5 days a week for nearly 60 some days.
I am proud to see my results in strength building when lifting weights (leg press of nearly 700 lbs is mind blowing to me!)
I am proud of myself for continuing to commit to changing my health for the better.

I have said time and time again that the biggest enemy in this fight for my health and life is my mental status. My self doubt and  self defeatist negativity will fight me every step of the way, it is natural for overweight people to fear failure the closer we get to success so we self sabotage. We set our selves up for failure before we have an opportunity to experience success because we have accepted failure for so long already in our lives. We fear the disappointment from others, we fear the feelings of letting ourselves down and others, and when we fear, or at least when I do, I eat to suppress my fear.

The "Year of Scott Mac 2107" is all about me facing my fears head on, to open up and discuss the fears, to let others who have similar struggles know they are not alone. By discussing these fears and writing them down I hope to understand and analyze them to then be able to change my view of these fears. When you recognize and identify the problem it is easier to resolve the problem because it is defined, the problem has parameters and a clear definition which can then be resolved.

As discussed before, I try to analyze each fear and thought as if it is a personal truth or if it is not; when it is not I debunk the thought with facts and destroy the thought so that it has no justification to permeate my thinking and reasoning, thus crushing the self doubt it creates.

Let's do this thought process together now...

Thought: "I am not an inspiration to anyone nor should I be"

Support of or denial of truth: Denial

Reasoning: I have accomplished a lot of things that other overweight people have been unable to do.I have been an active member of a gym for nearly a year (would be over a year if not for a car accident). I have made healthier eating and purposeful exercise apart of my daily life. I have consistently pushed myself to be better in thoughts and actions.

Result: I am an inspiration to others who see my efforts to change who I once was to whom I am trying to be someday. While I do struggle I still achieve results and others who struggle can see that if I can struggle and push through and still achieve then I am a reason for inspiring others who also struggle.