Finding Failure from Within

I have been away from the blogging and posting for the last month as I was just not in the right headspace. As we all know this journey is not an easy one; it is easy to make excuses, stress is my biggest reasons for setbacks; apparently I don't always handle stress well.  

When stressed I tend to sneak food, usually when driving to/from work, I make excuses why sleeping in is more important than getting out of bed and conquering the day. I fear failure where I used to face failure and take on the challenge as a source of honour and achievement no matter the results. Even now I have those days where I get excited about pushing myself and facing failure or conquering that which I doubt myself on but those days seem to be not consistent enough anymore.

I try to think of  when and where things changed for me and it is not easy to place as I have to analyze everything I have achieved and done but more importantly I have to pinpoint when I first felt like I failed. When I do this I come to the realization it was a series of missteps starting in 2003; some personal missteps that I thought I had worked through but now I am realizing I just denied the facts and focused on other things. 

I focused on everything else mentally and physically. I read and followed through with many Dr. Phil books from Self Matters to Life Strategies to Ultimate Weight Loss Solution books, and these books helped me tremendously in all areas except where I needed to focus. I lost weight, I gained better understanding of myself and those I interact with. I gained insight on to how and why I do things but I never focused truly on my self sabotaging behavior that got me to where I am. 

Anyone who knows me knows that I hate to disappoint anyone close to me, I know it happens to everyone once in a while due to situations beyond our control or by our control and I have always felt like I am a person who would walk to the ends of the earth, through burning coals to make sure I do not disappoint anyone, Then when I realized I failed at this I started living in denial and never really owned up to it and this has affected me in so many ways that I am only now realizing it.

To make amends I am starting now by saying to everyone whom I may have crossed the wrong way: I apologize for being an a$$hole, for not facing my self doubts and for causing any harm. 

In turn I would also like to add that: I forgive everyone whom ever took advantage of my kindness and generosity; anyone who used me for their own gains despite any recourse thrust upon me. I forgive you for being an a*#hole. Even the person who was the cause of the dark ages in my life.. heck some people are just evil and I will not let their negativity drag me down all these years later.

Forgiveness is a key to moving forward and although I know that after all the years gone by that an apology will never be read by whom it is to as they are far from my life and I have no idea where they are, the apology isn't for them, it is for me. Sometimes we need to cleanse our mental state by clearing out the trash that has bogged us down, and that is what I am doing here. It may sound corny and weird and it probably is but I have never said the words and I need to forgive myself in order to move forward.

I think of since this moment I have had limited success in my life with career and relationships. Yes I have an amazing wife whom I love and adore but the journey to meeting her was long and had some dark times. The same can be said to my career as I have sad many bad jobs in the pursuit of finding the good ones and when I have found a great one I have self-sabotaged and moved on from it as I have not deemed myself worthy. 

I hold myself accountable for my implosions and thus my ballooning weight over the years, and really, who else can I blame? I need to forgive myself now for letting myself down; and this is now my struggle to build my own trust back up again.I need to learn to believe in myself and believe I am worth believing in. I need to believe that I can achieve, I can be successful and I can be my own champion.  This request will be tough I know as I am not ready to forgive myself and I am not ready to believe in myself.

It is always true that we gain strength from our failures but it is also true you must acknowledge them first before getting that strength. It can also be said that everything happens for a reason, I believe this wholeheartedly, because each action and interaction shapes who we are and where we are headed. 

I would not be where I am or who I am today if it were not for my trials and tribulations that I have faced in life. I am thankful for every trial and tribulation I have had that has helped me meet Tabitha, she is the most amazing loving woman I have ever met. She gives me strength when I am weak, she gives me confidence in everything I do, and some days I just don't know what I did to deserve her in my life. I need to be this way for myself as well and that is where I am currently struggling.