A harsh way to start off just by reading the title of this blog isn't it?
Well it is true.
I start off with good intentions constantly but then fall flat on my face, assuming I get off the couch at all! I don't know why I just am struggling so much right now. I am back in the old rut that I used to be in; I have gained most of the weight I have lost this year and just seem to constantly find excuses as to why not to go to the gym today. I was doing so good, I had made so much progress then the accident came, I stopped my routine due to injury and now it feels impossible to get back into the groove. I am my own reason for failure. I am my own worst enemy as I am sabotaging myself and I don't know why.
Maybe I am just in the belief that "Here I go again failing so why do I try?" mode; or "I am just going to fail so why put in the effort?" line of thinking.
The truth of the matter is no matter what the words are that I hear, the venom spewed the most comes from within me. I have said time and time before that we need to have our head on straight and to prove the ongoing internal dialogue wrong. It is constant work to fight the thoughts, to constantly prove the negativity wrong, to stay positive and focused on what is truly hard to do when giving up on yourself is so easy.
I admit i suffer from depression from the cycle of wanting and trying to lose weight, it unfortunately is natural in the process for a lot of overweight people., I don't discuss it often but I also don't avoid admitting it when the time comes. Facts are facts and the fact right now is that I am feeling down about myself, about failing myself and losing all the traction I once had in changing my life. It is creating a vicious circle of negativity that is directly affecting my health and life. I know that if I don't change something now I will probably be dead in less than 20 years.
I think about how much of my life I have wasted not taking care of myself and now I am in my last 20 years and it is too late to change. There is too much weight to lose and it is just so hard to do. I try to imagine how I can turn things around in time and I feel like I can't because it had been my struggle for most of my 43 years how can I now change it in less time than that? Sure I know the old rhetoric about living healthy and getting active, and I have tried, but have you had a Iced Cappucino with a shot of Caramel before, or a fresh Honey-Cruller donut, or basically anything unhealthy? They just make it all so damn tasty!
I need to change my habits and mind set but it is tough when giving up is so easy to do. I am surrounded by bad choices everywhere, even when I don't buy the stuff for our house they still make their way into my life. It is so easy just to have rice or pasta with dinner as to not make a fuss over a separate healthy edible meal for myself, and what one persons thoughts of healthy are not the same as someone else's thoughts especially when there is four of us that are being fed.
I always feel like I have to cater to everyone else and I just never seem to be be able to just focus on me. I let people sabotage my actions by sacrificing what I want to do in exchange for me doing what they want. I need to learn how to put myself as a priority. To do what I want and not to cave in just to appease the group or to not make waves. By far this is my greatest weakness: being to giving and catering to the needs of others.
Sometimes I wish I was back in Nimpo Lake just focusing on me and my health like I did in 2004 when I had lost 160 lbs; but I know now i could not be away from Tabitha for that long while I get my shit together. She is my everything and I miss her every time she goes somewhere without me for the weekend (or week). I need to find that happy place in my daily life where I can just escape and focus on me (and not do it at 4am just so I can fit everyone else into my day at same time and thus sacrificing my sleep).
I need to change things that are not working in my life, I need to find that happiness in all areas of daily life in order to walk the right path of who I am and who i am trying to be. I need to set myself up for success before I can even think of catering to others; I will always be a caterer to others needs, it is who I am but if I am to survive I need to learn to put my needs ahead of others; i need to get my head on right and fully commit to living a healthy life; I need to make the right choices with eating and being active.
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