I am my own worst enemy , and the reason for my own failure.

A harsh way to start off just by reading the title of this blog isn't it?

Well it is true.

I start off with good intentions constantly but then fall flat on my face, assuming I get off the couch at all! I don't know why I just am struggling so much right now. I am back in the old rut that I used to be in; I have gained most of the weight I have lost this year and just seem to constantly find excuses as to why not to go to the gym today. I was doing so good, I had made so much progress then the accident came, I stopped my routine due to injury and now it feels impossible to get back into the groove. I am my own reason for failure. I am my own worst enemy as I am sabotaging myself and I don't know why. 

Maybe I am just in the belief that "Here I go again failing so why do I try?" mode; or "I am just going to fail so why put in the effort?" line of thinking.

The truth of the matter is no matter what the words are that I hear, the venom spewed the most comes from within me. I have said time and time before that we need to have our head on straight and to prove the ongoing internal dialogue wrong. It is constant work to fight the thoughts, to constantly prove the negativity wrong, to stay positive and focused on what is truly hard to do when giving up on yourself is so easy. 

I admit i suffer from depression from the cycle of wanting and trying to lose weight, it unfortunately is natural in the process for a lot of overweight people., I don't discuss it often but I also don't avoid admitting it when the time comes. Facts are facts and the fact right now is that I am feeling down about myself, about failing myself and losing all the traction I once had in changing my life. It is creating a vicious circle of negativity that is directly affecting my health and life. I know that if I don't change something now I will probably be dead in less than 20 years. 

I think about how much of my life I have wasted not taking care of myself and now I am in my last 20 years and it is too late to change. There is too much weight to lose and it is just so hard to do. I try to imagine how I can turn things around in time and I feel like I can't because it had been my struggle for most of my 43 years how can I now change it in less time than that? Sure I know the old rhetoric about living healthy and getting active, and I have tried, but have you had a Iced Cappucino with a shot of Caramel before, or a fresh Honey-Cruller donut, or basically anything unhealthy? They just make it all so damn tasty! 

I need to change my habits and mind set but it is tough when giving up is so easy to do. I am surrounded by bad choices everywhere, even when I don't buy the stuff for our house they still make their way into my life. It is so easy just to have rice or pasta with dinner as to not make a fuss over a separate healthy edible meal for myself, and what one persons thoughts of healthy are not the same as someone else's thoughts especially when there is four of us that are being fed. 

I always feel like I have to cater to everyone else and I just never seem to be be able to just focus on me. I let people sabotage my actions by sacrificing what I want to do in exchange for me doing what they want. I need to learn how to put myself as a priority. To do what I want and not to cave in just to appease the group or to not make waves. By far this is my greatest weakness: being to giving and catering to the needs of others. 

Sometimes I wish I was back in Nimpo Lake just focusing on me and my health like I did in 2004 when I had lost 160 lbs; but I know now i could not be away from Tabitha for that long while I get my shit together. She is my everything and I miss her every time she goes somewhere without me for the weekend (or week).  I need to find that happy place in my daily life where I can just escape and focus on me (and not do it at 4am just so I can fit everyone else into my day at same time and thus sacrificing my sleep). 

I need to change things that are not working in my life, I need to find that happiness in all areas of daily life in order to walk the right path of who I am and who i am trying to be. I need to set myself up for success before I can even think of catering to others; I will always be a caterer to others needs, it is who I am but if I am to survive I need to learn to put my needs ahead of others; i need to get my head on right and fully commit to living a healthy life; I need to make the right choices with eating and being active. 

Summer time should be fun time..

It is summer time here in the sunny Okanagan and I am anxiously awaiting my physical transformation. I am finding myself wishing I could be doing so much more stuff but my weight and self consciousness makes me sit on the side lines.

Summer of 2017 I want to be able to do some if not all of:

 - Golf a full 18 holes on a full size course

- Play baseball/ softball on a team

- Go swim at the public beach and not feel like I am a whale

- Frisbee golf (does this exist here in the Okanagan?)

- Rugby ( I love this sport!)

- Go for a run 

- Live a more active life

I will get there.. 

Friday's Rants and Raves - July8 th

Everyday is a new beginning.

I am viewing this new lifestyle as a new challenge everyday in hopes that when I do have a bad day i just shake it off and start anew the following day. For me it is apart of letting go the past and focusing on the here and now. It does not matter what I did yesterday, last week, last month or 3 years ago, just what I do in this moment now. My attitude towards every day being new will empower me to give it my all and not be hung up on what wasn't, what could have been or what should have been done. 

Being an introvert I think too much about mistakes I made or past accomplishments too much. I quite often catch myself living in the world of what ifs; this needs to change in to a world of action and results. I have talked many times about giving myself credit for my achievements and I will continue to do this however I can not live in the past too much. I need to stay focused on the now so I can push myself farther, harder and better, I can't let myself get complacent on what I have achieved. I know I just got back to the gym a little while ago but i was starting to find myself just happy doing the same weights everyday and not pushing to do better. 

I found my leg press popped me out of that complacency and I now try to push myself harder everyday, in a safe manner of course. It can be from just doing more reps in a set or doing an extra set or increasing the weight and working from there. I was looking in the mirror just the other day as I was walking from one machine to the next and I truly noticed that I was viewing myself as a gym guy, envisioning myself with bigger shoulders and chest from the work out I was doing. I was focusing on specific areas to work out more and envisioning doing more weights, sets and reps to get the results I am wanting. This may sound normal to some but to me it is a first. Most times I visualize my self as I am, fat. I think of "I need to lose this roll", "I need to stop this jiggle", or "this sag needs to go"; I was looking at the negative of myself and not the in the moment positives. My mind is changing to the "damn I just pressed 430 pounds", or "I can start to see some definition in my triceps" or even "I can feel my pecs getting bigger and stronger". 

I am constantly trying to catch myself being negative towards my own actions; I need to change this internal monologue of self deprecation. I am worth every positive I deserve to give myself. The negative talk is bullshit and I am better than what I am thinking I am, I am just starting to believe it now. As I have said many times on here the best way to predict the future is by reviewing your immediate past, and here is mine:

IN THE LAST 7 MONTHS I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED:

- lost over 20 pounds

- joined the gym

- gotten a personal trainer

- stuck with changing my meal plans to a healthier way of living

- continued to go to the gym on a regular basis (despite a temporary absence due to doctors orders)

- faced many things I was intimidated by and faced them head on 

7 months, that is over 1/2 a year of success in several areas that I avoided in the last 11+ years. Now in-spite of this reflection the best thing I can do to honour these accomplishments in the here and now is to continue to be active everyday to perpetuate this winning streak.

The results I want will come, in time, but they will arrive, I just need to be patient and stay consistent to who I am and wanting to be. 

A New Hope..

Happy Canada Day to All!

So here I am again, trying to get back into the routine I had before my little fender bender: blogging, logging, vlogging, working out, and just working on improving me. 

Well as today is Canada Day and 7 months into my "Year of Scotty Mac", and a few days until my 43rd birthday, I have decided to renew my pledge to myself and "go for it" so to speak. No journey is easy and this one has definitely had its challenges but I am re-committing myself to my goals. I will not let this hiccup in my plan spoil the hard work that I have achieved so far. 

As of today, July 1st 2016, I am re-committing to going to the gym at least 5 days in a week. that I will achieve my step goals atleast 5 days a week. I will push myself everyday to perform better than the day before. That I will not get discouraged from failures but rather grow strength from learning from my mistakes. That I will not be defined by the scale every week and have the scale be the end all be all of my progress. My progress will be in increasing my health standards, increasing my strength, my endurance my longevity in this life and thus my weight will come down on its own time and schedule. I will commit more to making the right choices in meals and snacks and not let boredom, depression or emotions dictate what and when I eat. I will log my meals and exercise on a daily basis and share my achievements as a way to build my confidence and help me stay focused on where I am going. My life will be by my design and not by others, I will stay true to my health choices and not give in to temptations or ease of access or ease of choice. I will use the positive support through friends that have offered encouragement and shoulders to lean on. I will distance myself from the negative environments and people that are counter-productive to my goals. I will not make excuses for my failures and I will take credit for my achievements and not minimalize their importance. I will make myself a priority in my own life. This I solemnly promise without evasion or mental reservation of any kind and will hold my self fully accountable for my actions under no less a penalty than that of admitting to being the reason for my own failure. 

Let's do this!