A Year From the Day.. April 5th 2016

This past 365 days have been quite the journey.

One year ago today I was hit from behind and since then I had struggled with physical health issues; I have been through Post Concussion Syndrome (PCS) I have lost momentum in progress only to slowly get it back again. I have had almost as many set backs as I have steps forward and have found myself almost right where I have started. 

It has been a year of internal reflection and growth to say the least, and I knew that there would be setbacks and I have tried to use it wisely. I have worked at trying to fix my internal dialogue in regards to how I see my choices and why I make them. 

I have really focused on my eating choices trying to choose better, cook and eat cleaner and just make healthier more of a daily occurrence in my diet plan.

I have worked on being more clear and decisive on my words and actions. I have tried to make the gym apart of my life again when I was finally allowed to go back after the accident. I have tried to be very intune with what my body can handle and tried to improve my strength and cardio.

All these steps have come with some steps back too as not everything comes out roses and rainbows. Flu bug, set backs in health recovery, moving my in-laws and mother (they swapped living places). some PCS symptoms returning, and general life getting in the way. 

I have gone in several weeks of trying to build a habit only to fall off the wagon afterwards. (and FYI it takes more than 3 weeks to build a habit in my opinion!!)  

And with all this up to this point in time, being exactly a year from the day I now find myself not only in the same spot I was but with more added baggage to myself. Anxiety, stress, headaches, sleep issues, mild dizziness and in one instance blacking out almost to the point of passing out (this happened on a day where we were moving mom and the in-laws and  ended up having skipped eating dinner and it was about 8 hours since my last meal - i am currently being very mindful to see if this happens again and I will seek immediate medical help).  

I learned this last year that I can live my life in a healthier way and not feel like I am missing anything. I have learned that I don't need food to comfort my emotions when feeling down but I still struggle with it. I learned that I do have secret meals which I am working on stopping when i catch myself doing it. I am learning to trust in believing in myself again. I have learned that I have strength in my legs that is incredible (- have I mentioned my 700 pound leg press yet?). I have learned that no matter what life has thrown at me I still get up and face the day and can conquer it when i apply myself.

I have learned that:

I am

I can

I will

All of these "I"s are apart of believing in the change that is growing inside me. 

The Path on Your Journey Isn't Easy, It's a Struggle

Everyone's journey leads to different paths, and these paths always reach cross roads to which decisions must be made. For good or bad and lack of information of what lies ahead we must make a choice on each cross road we encounter. 

There comes a point on this path when we realize do we continue on this path even though it has led me to some not so great events but I have covered so much ground, do I really want to forgo it all and give up on what I have done thus far? Or, we decide that this path I am on is filled with crap and I want a fresh start and new perspective because this path has led me to where I am at now?

This is not just about a weightloss journey but also about life in general, we need to assess each path we take on this journey and decide if we will continue on the path we are on despite it being good or bad or if we will try something less ventured and not be afraid to switch it up at a moments notice. 

For me I feel like I am at a crossroads in many areas of my life; clearly the paths I have taken on this journey have not been as fortuitous as I would have liked yet it has not all been thorny trails and grey skies. I am always saying and trying to view everything as having the right thinking and working at fixing what is broken. That is the beauty of taking an active part in your own journey though, you can change paths, you can reroute yourself and alter the crossroads you come across; you don't have to be defined by every step or choice you make, 

And although sometimes I feel like I am too old to change the journey or to go back to a crossroad and explore a new route the truth is as long as I can put one foot forward in front of the other I can never be to old to try, never to old to change the journey I am in. 

Sure I get frustrated with my progress some days, or beat myself up when I miss a day or more at the gym in a week. It is natural to falter when on new paths or go back to a path that was easy and comfortable. The struggle to forge ahead on something new is a heavy challenge that fills you with doubt and to stay on the path you must forgo fear and anxiety about the what ifs and whys. I struggle with this doubt a lot; I struggle to gain confidence in what I do despite accomplishments. I struggle with staying on the path when the path well travelled is right there and easy to take. I struggle with keeping myself accountable for my health. 

What I can say is when I struggle with the doubt of which path to take, or to forge a new one, I think about it long and hard, I see the positives and negatives on both sides and usually what happens is I get pissed off. I get so pissed off that I end up saying "F---- This!" and go blazing across a new path not letting anyone stop me until I reach where I want to be. To me it is realizing that you are letting a moment control you and letting the self doubt win, letting the safe route be the way to go, letting your emotions of safety and security be what controls you; then realizing that the true power is within me and not caring what others think. 

I remember in JR High I felt ostracized, I felt like I just did not fit in anywhere, I was over-weight, I was a weirdo, I was shy and awkward, I struggled. One day it just popped into my head, "who cares what others think or where I fit in,?"; from that moment on I didn't care about where I fit in or how I fit in with life of a teenager. I knew I would likely never have any real bonds with anyone from JR high or high school, I would not let those thoughts and feelings of being an outcast control me and that my life was not yet defined.

Once that moment was defined for me my grades improved, my attitude improved and I felt like I could not be stopped. The same in my work career, I came to a point where I realized I was someone else's pawn and puppet. When I realized this I took control of my situation, i got mad at myself  and then strived to come out from that shadow, to not be a pawn, to not be someone who will be walked on and been made into the sacrificial lamb at others expense. I pushed and forged my way to break out from that mold, I rose to the occasion of being the "go to" guy the leader others turned to when needed. 

Now for me, the point of this blog today is realizing yet again that this path is in front of me and I am starting to get mad at having put myself in that situation. I am unsure as to when the anger at the situation will come out but I can guarantee you it is coming and this Phoenix will rise from the ashes and a new path will be blazed from the fire inside of me.