19 Months Later ..

 Okay, so this is a bit of a time lapse here.

In the past 18 months my struggles have continued, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, more depression, unhealthy eating, limited recovery then depression, anxiety, panic attacks etc ; the vicious circle of never ending failure.

In these 18 months I also lost my mother (Jan 28th of this year) very suddenly.

I woke up on Friday Jan 25th at about 2 am to hear my mother yelling my name. My wife and I woke up and i rushed to see what was going on. "I think I am having a heart attack!" she told me, I called 911, the ambulance came, then the fire department, she went to the hospital and checked in to emergency.

The ER docs told me she was having a mild heart attack and asked her if she had any blood clotting issues or a family history of strokes as they had some meds that may cause a stroke in people who have a history of it. She said no, as did I ( I know on my dad's side of the family there is but not on my mom's.)
Mom was put on the blood thinners and moved to ICU. I visited with her on and off through the day and come after dinner time when i went to visit her I noticed she was slurring her words; I mentioned this to the nurse on duty and I was told she was just given 4 Gravol as she was not feeling well due to the meds so it was probably that. I visited with mom for a while and she was with it but at same time out of it as she would be talking normal conversation but randomly ask about the horses or other random things that i did not understand what she had meant, I chalked it all up to the meds. Before I left I asked the nurse to keep an eye on her as the conversation with her caused me some concern; he told me that if she was still slurring in an hour he would take her for more testing and call me to let me know.

I went home.

About an hour later, around 10:30 pm I received a phone call from the nurse, and my world changed dramatically. They took her for testing as she was still slurring and saying quirky things, and that is when he told me that mom has had a "devastating stroke" and they asked me to come back in. 

Tabitha and I rushed back to the hospital and the nurse showed me her brain scan, the stroke was massive, about the size of a fist putting pressure on her brain, forcing her brain to the right side of her head. They had already talked to the specialist at the hospital and then contacted another expert at a different hospital and both came to same conclusion, there was nothing they could do for her, it was caught too late.

We spent time that evening with mom, she was no longer able to hold her eyes open but could talk a little bit. She was told what had happened / was happening and that the best they could do was make her comfortable. We visited for a while then i went home.

Saturday came and Tabitha and myself, went to visit mom, she was no longer able to talk but could squeeze our hands as a yes or no or to just acknowledge she was there and aware. I, as we all did, tried to stay positive and kept mom company, talked to her etc. We left to go for lunch to find mom's brother Warwick and my cousin Laura showed up for a visit while we were gone for lunch and had a good visit. Upon our return I finally got to meet mom's doctor; she pulled us into a private room to discuss things with us, what had happened, what they were doing for her at that time and then asked me what they would like to do moving forward knowing the outlook of her situation is not good. I asked the usual expected questions about chance of survival if they are aggressive with treatment, what quality of life would she have if she was to survive etc. All the answers I received were all against mom's wishes, while there was a small chance for survival it would involve mom needing 24 care and her quality of life would be greatly diminished with no chance of making a full recovery. Mom always said she did not want to be hooked up to machines or be a burden for anyone to care for her in a 24 hour capacity. It was difficult to say the words that I needed to say but I had to say it, I had to tell them to make her comfortable as possible and to let nature run its course. This was a tough day. We visited with mom until about 10 pm and went home, but before I left i held mom's hand and told her I love her; she squeezed my hand back and mouthed the words I love you. this was the only instance this day that she tried her darnedest to speak.

Sunday came, mom was unresponsive, her breathing was shallow and she would randomly stop breathing for about 10 seconds then start again. My in-laws came to visit mom and it was quite somber day. We played cards on her bed meal tray thing and talked to her hoping she could hear us, we laughed and made jokes and tried to act like all is normal, she wouldn't want us to fuss over her. She no longer would squeeze your hand or be able to acknowledge anything going on. We spent all day there. Uncle Warwick and aunt Caryl came by for a visit, Dan and Trish came for a visit, Kevin and Sabrina spent the day with us. Around 10 or 11 pm I said let's go home, I just felt that mom was waiting for us to leave so that she could go and slip away into that gentle goodnight, she just didn't want a fuss made over her and I felt that she would pass once we were gone, that she was fighting to stay while we were there. So before we left I kicked everyone out of the room and kissed mom on the cheek and told her that I love her and that if she felt like she was ready to go and see dad or Stuart or grandma or grandpa to not worry about Tabitha or I, that we would be okay. I told her I love her and always will. I told her she was the best mother anyone could have asked for. I told her I love her one more time before I walked out that room door in ICU. Sabrina was weeping when i exited the room, she is a crier, and Tabitha looked upset and puzzled as to why I wanted to leave. I told Tabitha that I believed she was holding on and waiting for us to leave and I did not want her to fight anymore, that I wanted her to rest.

At 2:14 am on Monday Jan 28th I received a call, mom had passed.

It was a weekend that came and went in a flash yet was the longest weekend of my life, It went from what seemed to be a minor speed bump in mom's health to all out road wash out. My world had crumbled as I came to terms that I am the last of my family. I was sad and mad, mad at my brother for making me go through this without him. The one blessing I had directly after this loss was that in 10 days I had a cruise already planned (booked a year earlier); i still feel like mom planned it this way so that it didn't happen while on a cruise and that a cruise would ease my pain a bit afterwards even if for a brief time. 

The last lesson I learned from mom is to enjoy life with those you love while you can as you never know what tomorrow brings.

I love you mom.