Ok so it has be 5 months since my last post, I apologize but life seems to be getting in the way a lot as of late.
I have been lacking in motivation for a while, working out on a regular basis has been a struggle as I have been going through a period of self doubt and regret. The vicious circle of feeling like I will never reach my goal and that I am undeserving of success compounded by the emotional need to eat when feeling this way just perpetuates the situation. I have been a host of great intentions but have lacked the follow through.
Every week I say to myself " Time to start fresh!" then i can't drag myself out of bed. I am disappointed in myself and lack of effort and keep thinking "THIS is THE week to make a change" and yet each week passes me by with no real result.
Now a real moment has come in my life and I feel like I'm at the edge of a precipice where I will fall without ever being able to get up, or if I move in a different direction perhaps I will find my footing on a field that opens up to new possibilities, but the problem is I can't see where my feet are in order to reach that opportunity.
This moment came on Friday October 13th, 2017 at 6pm when an officer came to my house looking for my mom who lives with my wife and I. That is when we were told my brother Stuart, had passed away from natural causes. Shock. Confusion. Disbelief. Heartbreak and heartache. Bewilderment.
I felt like I was in a dream and that none of it was real. I stayed strong for my mom whom I could not imagine the devastation she felt to find out her first born had died before her as no parent should hear the news of their child's death.
The weekend flew by and by the following Wednesday I was at his apartment trying to sort through the mess of what to keep and what to throw away from someone else's life. Life is a gift and we must take everyday and grasp it with two hands and be thankful for every moment that we can share with our loved ones and friends.
My brother was 47 years young, a smoker, overweight, had poor eating habits, a social drinker and lived a mainly sedentary life; all of which contributed to a coronary incident while he slept. This left me to pick up the pieces as I try to not let mom have the burden of this stress in her life.
To me I have to see this as a true wake up call. I have to fight to live a long healthy life.
The signs are all around me that I need to make a change in my life; and even though the pain of loss that I am going through right now has brought me down, I must forge through it. I must fight on. I must conquer once and for all this demon inside me that prevents me from being a success in my own life. This metal block that causes me to tumble and start over again must be removed. I don't want my wife and family to mourn my loss before I am ready to go. I want to be around for a long time and to enjoy many more sunsets in my life with those I love.
A new season in my life is about to begin..
A new season in my life is about to begin..
