Good morning peeps!
I feel guilty for not being around since April and it is now late September. I have found it difficult to stay up on the writing with life being so hectic and too much complacency stepping in.
When you have such a large amount to lose it can feel quite overwhelming; this fear that hits me when I think about the weight i need to lose is a fear of failure, a fear of never being able to accomplish this task, that i may succeed and then eventually i will fail again. Fear can freeze you up and make you stand still in your tracks, making accomplishments of any sort a near impossible task when the grip is firm, and this grip has been on me numerous times,
Fear also can be a motivator, but you have to honestly face that fear, to look at it dead in the eye and say i will not let it control me, i will not let it dictate my life and I will not disappear into its darkness. This is where I feel like I am entering into. I know it is not overnight and it begins with small steps in order to reach big steps. I am trying to not look at the big picture of things and just focus on one day/week at a time. I bought a scale which could weigh my weight as our old scale did not reach that number. I had an idea of where my weight was but not an accurate number, so i was just guessing, and I found that it was hindering me really celebrating any success I had. I also set up a revised goal list, small goals that build up, with rewards of varying qualities at each point (none of the rewards are food based) and building up to a grand "ME" reward. I tried to build it as each one is an assist in raising my confidence. I had thought about joining a Gym right at the beginning but decided against it as I have done that before and at the time I felt like I wasn't worthy enough to join. Ironic isn't it? the person who should be there most is thinking he is not worthy? I just feel too self conscious of myself and think everyone is staring at me. So i put this on the list a little ways down.. I want to do this first part on my own without the gym in order to prove to myself I am mentally ready to join. That I do deserve to be there and that my hard work to get to that point will translate a renewed drive to keep it off. I feel so many people, my self included, join the gym and go a few times and then stop going meanwhile they have already paid for 1 month 3 months, 6 months or longer! Maybe it is the cheap Scotsman in me but i don't want to waste the money if I am not fully committed to it. My goal is at 100 lbs lost I will join, it's a big number but my thinking is that i need to learn to do it on my own because there may not always be a gym, it for me starts with being mentally in the right place. I need to have my daily habits and mentality focused on the little things such as meal planning, purchasing, consistency, food logging and general accountability to myself. When I can make these consistent changes and get the results then I can achieve so much more when I get that gym membership. The thing is, life gets in the way of doing these other things so I have to reorganize my life to include these things in order to get the results. If i just go all in at once i know there will be chaos and i will drop what is causing the chaos and that would be the gym. However if i just change my simple daily habits slowly but consistently and include the increased daily exercise then when I reach the 100 lbs lost the transition to going to the gym to continue the daily exercise should be relatively flawless.
Well that is that plan anyways.
I have also started to make a weekly Vlog, though I don't have a name for it yet and have yet to publish anything officially. I got some inspiration form some other weightloss Vloggers out there. There are many great stories but i have really appreciated 2 in particular, Lose it like Lauren whom I have watched most of her videos and can associate a lot of the stresses and frustration she has gone through, also i have enjoyed watching Kimberly Uhles whom is honest with her struggle as well. please check them both out and give their channel some support as they journey to their goals.
I know that in every journey there is going to be parts where we walk, where we jog and where we run to the finish line, right now I am just stretching before the proverbial walk, and as with any sport you should always stretch first. Well i didn't, so I am trying to now before I continue on, and as with any journey as we do walk the path (again I am not at the running point) I know there will be stumbles along the way; so i am picking myself up and doing my stretches before continuing.
A special shout out to Lisa R. whom has taken the time and patience to give me some personal trainer advice and has been encouraging me and motivating me to make the changes. As always I can never say enough about my beautiful and amazing wife Tabitha for always being my rock when i do crumble. Without the right support it is tough to achieve one's goals.
